I have heard a lot of debate over a real Christmas tree verses a fake one. So here is my two cents.
I love the smell of a real tree. But I hate the clean up, the water that always gets spilled, and the needles that fall off before Christmas even arrives creating more for me to vacuum. Plus, the time it takes to wrap, and then unwrap, the lights takes forever. And if it's not taking forever, the tree just doesn't look as good.
A fake tree, on the other hand, you can get pre-lit, "needle" loss is minimal, and you don't have to worry about the water. Bonus, it's much cheaper to buy a fake tree (especially if you wait until the day after Christmas) once, instead of a real one every year. Huge downside, though, is the lack of smell. And we always remember the smells of the holidays just as much, if not more than, everything else.
So, here is my solution: Buy the fake tree. The day after Christmas everything goes on sale to around 50% off at most stores. So if you want to spend about the same amount for a fake tree as what you pay for a real one, the day after Christmas is the time to do it. Fake trees are just so much easier; and really, the holidays cause enough stress as we're running around trying to find that perfect gift, attending all of the parties and events, etc.
For that wonderful, piney smell go visit your nearest tree lot, take a couple of dollars with you, and ask them for some of their cuttings. They'll give them to you for free. The money is for a tip so they'll continue to give us the clippings for free.
You can use the clippings in all kinds of ways to both decorate and "smell up" your home. I put mine in a pretty basket and add pine cones and fake berries. I also put a large bundle of clippings in a box, poke a bunch of holes all over it, and leave it under the tree. It only takes 5 minutes to make both and the clean up is so easy! Just grab the box and toss it in the trash. One good vacuuming after everything is taken down is all you need. Plus, no sap on the carpet! Bonus!!! Another tip, if you leave the box in the path of the heater, the air
flow from the furnace will help circulate the aromas from the clippings.
However, leave plenty of distance so you don't create a fire hazard!!! The box doesn't need heat, just air flow!!!
You could make a wreath--just tie all of the clippings together with some brown twine, and put something cute in the center like a light-up Santa face. Or make a "table wreath" and put faux candles in the center. Just make sure to put down a cloth of some kind if you're worried about scratches, and help make clean-up a breeze. (Take the whole thing--table cloth and wreath--out to the trash in a bundle. Open it up and give it a quick shake into the dumpster, and you're done!)
If you find yourself with a lot of extra time, you can make a garland and hang it wherever you'd like. Every year, you can try something new, or stick with just the box under the tree--whatever is best for you. Maybe you're not sure if you'll have time, and that's ok. Just make sure you get LOTS of clippings when you go to the tree lot! You'd be surprised how much clippings you'll need for a seemingly small project. And you can do all of these 5 minute projects for just a couple of dollars! (Just be sure to not throw away the faux candles and berries so you can use them again next year! Lol!)
So, save yourself some time and money while reducing stress by buying a pre-lit fake tree. Save time at the tree lot by not spending hours each year picking out the 'perfect tree' when you can just get clippings. You're in and out in about 5 minutes. You can spend all that time you saved doing whatever else needs to be done--like trips to the post office. And if you're feeling adventurous, add a new center piece to your table while you're at it. You will still spend less time adding a simple center piece each year than it takes to set up and take down a real tree. You really can have the best of both worlds in your Christmas tree!!!
Happy Holidays!!!
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Missing the point
I seem to be missing the point of things lately. Life has gotten crazy and complicated. Just last night, my husband asked me if I felt things were more complicated than when we were dating. My answered was unequivocally 'yes'.
Now, some of those "complications" are absolutely adorable in their little back-packs and pony-tails. One of our biggest complications comes in a very tiny package. But having a little someone waking you up multiple times a night definitely complicates life a bit. It makes waking up for work harder. It turns something fun, like making dinner, into a chore. I love to try new recipes frequently, and I try to make as much from scratch as reasonably feasible. But when you lack energy, what is feasible is reduced to boxes more often than I'd like.
But our kids aren't the only thing making life more challenging lately. Trying to make enough money to live comfortably is certainly challenging for a lot of people right now. We're just like everyone else scrimping on the fun things just to get by. I started school just to create new options for our family somewhere down the road. I took a break for the birth of our third child, and I'm supposed to start back this January. But truth is I don't want to. I'd much rather take a little more time with my baby before the chaos of school takes over my life again.
My husband is working on starting up a business. That's been a very difficult, very expensive (for us), and very time consuming project. There have been times I've wondered if this thing is ever going to get off the ground. Starting a business certainly makes life more complicated.
But all of these complications are good, right? I certainly wouldn't trade my beautiful children for a little less stress (which would probably be in my life anyway, just in a different form). I want to get my degree and find some way to contribute to a better world that I find fulfilling and rewarding and, with any luck, lucrative. So the complications that school brings with it will pay off . . . eventually. Owning our own business will be a great source of income, hopefully, that could provide new opportunities for our family.
The question comes down to this: are we sacrificing too much? Are we letting things get too complicated and losing the balance between sacrifice and reward? Are we getting caught up in a "keeping-up-with-the-Joneses" type of mentality just because we want to take vacations to Disneyland and put our kids through music and dance lessons?
Maybe we are. Maybe we're not. It's not like there is a definite line drawn in the sand somewhere. Just because something works for one person doesn't make it a universal truth, either. So when someone starts going off about all they accomplished with small children, I just want to scream. So how is a person to tell when life has gotten out of balance? How are we to know when things have gotten too complicate, and where we get to cut back?
Priorities come up a lot in this type of discussion. Making sure you're taking care of the important things before they become urgent, and ignoring the unimportant things no matter how urgent they seem. There is always a trade-off to be made. Blah, blah, blah. The reality of it is it's much harder to figure this all out than that. So, while I'm sitting here, typing away for the sake of easing my own mind and heart, I keep hoping for some miracle answer to come my way. I keep hoping for something new to suddenly make its appearance. Am I missing the point? Is that why the answers are so elusive?
Now, some of those "complications" are absolutely adorable in their little back-packs and pony-tails. One of our biggest complications comes in a very tiny package. But having a little someone waking you up multiple times a night definitely complicates life a bit. It makes waking up for work harder. It turns something fun, like making dinner, into a chore. I love to try new recipes frequently, and I try to make as much from scratch as reasonably feasible. But when you lack energy, what is feasible is reduced to boxes more often than I'd like.
But our kids aren't the only thing making life more challenging lately. Trying to make enough money to live comfortably is certainly challenging for a lot of people right now. We're just like everyone else scrimping on the fun things just to get by. I started school just to create new options for our family somewhere down the road. I took a break for the birth of our third child, and I'm supposed to start back this January. But truth is I don't want to. I'd much rather take a little more time with my baby before the chaos of school takes over my life again.
My husband is working on starting up a business. That's been a very difficult, very expensive (for us), and very time consuming project. There have been times I've wondered if this thing is ever going to get off the ground. Starting a business certainly makes life more complicated.
But all of these complications are good, right? I certainly wouldn't trade my beautiful children for a little less stress (which would probably be in my life anyway, just in a different form). I want to get my degree and find some way to contribute to a better world that I find fulfilling and rewarding and, with any luck, lucrative. So the complications that school brings with it will pay off . . . eventually. Owning our own business will be a great source of income, hopefully, that could provide new opportunities for our family.
The question comes down to this: are we sacrificing too much? Are we letting things get too complicated and losing the balance between sacrifice and reward? Are we getting caught up in a "keeping-up-with-the-Joneses" type of mentality just because we want to take vacations to Disneyland and put our kids through music and dance lessons?
Maybe we are. Maybe we're not. It's not like there is a definite line drawn in the sand somewhere. Just because something works for one person doesn't make it a universal truth, either. So when someone starts going off about all they accomplished with small children, I just want to scream. So how is a person to tell when life has gotten out of balance? How are we to know when things have gotten too complicate, and where we get to cut back?
Priorities come up a lot in this type of discussion. Making sure you're taking care of the important things before they become urgent, and ignoring the unimportant things no matter how urgent they seem. There is always a trade-off to be made. Blah, blah, blah. The reality of it is it's much harder to figure this all out than that. So, while I'm sitting here, typing away for the sake of easing my own mind and heart, I keep hoping for some miracle answer to come my way. I keep hoping for something new to suddenly make its appearance. Am I missing the point? Is that why the answers are so elusive?
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Smiles
I woke up this morning so full of joy! I don't have any one particular thing to point to for this, I just am.
Now, before you all going thinking that I'm one of those braggers who only blogs to brag, let me tell you the reality of my life right now. I just had a baby, and if any of you have ever had a baby while on COBRA, you know how much it DOESN'T help. Plus, last year my husband had surgery, for which we just finished paying those bills last month. On top of that, my husband started a new job so his pay is at the bottom of what this company offers right now (I'm sure he'll get a raise or promoted quickly), and he works the weekend shifts for the pay differential. My older kids aren't with me every weekend, but that can be a blessing (date night!) which I have to remind myself of sometimes. And my baby, who is already a screamer, is teething with two new ones cutting right now! I couldn't tell you the last time I got any real amount of sleep with any amount of accuracy, but I think it was about a month ago. And all of her screaming has triggered more than one migraine in the last month. I'm talking the kind of migraine that takes two days to recover from. And this is just the beginning. I could go on, but that's not the point of this post.
We all have things we are dealing with. We all have challenges, struggles, and hopefully a few triumphs. Life isn't really easy for anyone. Even those you think have it oh-so-easy probably don't. Their challenges just look different than yours or mine. So how is it I woke up so darn happy this morning?
To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what has put me in such a good mood this morning. It could be the great snippet I read on a social media site today about a military man who was running a 5k coming in dead last for his age group. Why would that make me happy? Because he was dead last because a little 9 year old boy asked him to run with him after being separated from his group, and this wonderful man did! That man, Lance Cpl. Kerr, is a hero. You can read the snippet here: http://www.cbs6albany.com/template/cgi-bin/archived.pl?type=basic&file=/news/features/top-story/stories/archive/2013/08/dsfsu3O1.xml#.UkhGWD_p8ac
Or maybe it's the thought of my husband telling me how much he wanted to snuggle up with me on the couch and watch a movie yesterday--our stay-date. But instead, he sweetly put his shoes back on and together we helped a friend move. We came home, and went straight to bed. . .which was still a sweet end to my day. I love falling asleep with his arm around me.
It could be I'm so happy this morning because last night, 'Amber' grabbed my finger and put it in her mouth. Normally, when she puts anything in her mouth she immediately starts biting or sucking on it. But she just held my finger there and gave me this look as if to say, "Come on, Mom. Figure it out." So I started running my finger around her gums where I discovered she's cutting another tooth! Once I found it, she pulled my finger back out of her mouth and gave me a grin. I double checked this morning, and she has two teeth that are coming in side-by-side. (Hopefully, some of her screaming will subside now that these teeth have cut!)
Or maybe, I'm just happy because the sun is shining. I really do love the sunshine! And I love Autumn. So today is the perfect day!
What's my point in all of this? Happiness is a choice. Happiness is what we make it. And I'm not just talking about "deciding" to be happy despite of all the crap out there. I'm talking about making the choices that will making living a happy life a reality. That's the part people tend to gloss over. If you want to be happy, you have to make the kinds of choices that facilitate it! Simple things like spending less than you make every month, which I know can be hard, really does make life just a little more bearable when those bills show up in the mail. Or planning date night for those nights that the kids are gone anyway. Find the positive and focus on it!
I don't watch the news because it makes me want to cry, buy a shotgun with plenty of ammo, and never leave my house! That's no way to live! Not to mention, if we all focused on the good, and lifted up those around us so that they might do the same, we wouldn't need those shotguns!
Now, I know there aren't many people who read this. Most of these posts are like a public journal, and hopefully a reminder of all the things I deserve to remember. So, future self and anyone else reading this, today I challenge you to create happiness. Create it in yourself. Create it in the world. And steer clear of the negative messages, both in the world and in your head. Be the powerful creator you were meant to be. Lift yourself up, and lift up others. Seek only the good. Create a little sunshine today.
I love you.
Now, before you all going thinking that I'm one of those braggers who only blogs to brag, let me tell you the reality of my life right now. I just had a baby, and if any of you have ever had a baby while on COBRA, you know how much it DOESN'T help. Plus, last year my husband had surgery, for which we just finished paying those bills last month. On top of that, my husband started a new job so his pay is at the bottom of what this company offers right now (I'm sure he'll get a raise or promoted quickly), and he works the weekend shifts for the pay differential. My older kids aren't with me every weekend, but that can be a blessing (date night!) which I have to remind myself of sometimes. And my baby, who is already a screamer, is teething with two new ones cutting right now! I couldn't tell you the last time I got any real amount of sleep with any amount of accuracy, but I think it was about a month ago. And all of her screaming has triggered more than one migraine in the last month. I'm talking the kind of migraine that takes two days to recover from. And this is just the beginning. I could go on, but that's not the point of this post.
We all have things we are dealing with. We all have challenges, struggles, and hopefully a few triumphs. Life isn't really easy for anyone. Even those you think have it oh-so-easy probably don't. Their challenges just look different than yours or mine. So how is it I woke up so darn happy this morning?
To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what has put me in such a good mood this morning. It could be the great snippet I read on a social media site today about a military man who was running a 5k coming in dead last for his age group. Why would that make me happy? Because he was dead last because a little 9 year old boy asked him to run with him after being separated from his group, and this wonderful man did! That man, Lance Cpl. Kerr, is a hero. You can read the snippet here: http://www.cbs6albany.com/template/cgi-bin/archived.pl?type=basic&file=/news/features/top-story/stories/archive/2013/08/dsfsu3O1.xml#.UkhGWD_p8ac
Or maybe it's the thought of my husband telling me how much he wanted to snuggle up with me on the couch and watch a movie yesterday--our stay-date. But instead, he sweetly put his shoes back on and together we helped a friend move. We came home, and went straight to bed. . .which was still a sweet end to my day. I love falling asleep with his arm around me.
It could be I'm so happy this morning because last night, 'Amber' grabbed my finger and put it in her mouth. Normally, when she puts anything in her mouth she immediately starts biting or sucking on it. But she just held my finger there and gave me this look as if to say, "Come on, Mom. Figure it out." So I started running my finger around her gums where I discovered she's cutting another tooth! Once I found it, she pulled my finger back out of her mouth and gave me a grin. I double checked this morning, and she has two teeth that are coming in side-by-side. (Hopefully, some of her screaming will subside now that these teeth have cut!)
Or maybe, I'm just happy because the sun is shining. I really do love the sunshine! And I love Autumn. So today is the perfect day!
What's my point in all of this? Happiness is a choice. Happiness is what we make it. And I'm not just talking about "deciding" to be happy despite of all the crap out there. I'm talking about making the choices that will making living a happy life a reality. That's the part people tend to gloss over. If you want to be happy, you have to make the kinds of choices that facilitate it! Simple things like spending less than you make every month, which I know can be hard, really does make life just a little more bearable when those bills show up in the mail. Or planning date night for those nights that the kids are gone anyway. Find the positive and focus on it!
I don't watch the news because it makes me want to cry, buy a shotgun with plenty of ammo, and never leave my house! That's no way to live! Not to mention, if we all focused on the good, and lifted up those around us so that they might do the same, we wouldn't need those shotguns!
Now, I know there aren't many people who read this. Most of these posts are like a public journal, and hopefully a reminder of all the things I deserve to remember. So, future self and anyone else reading this, today I challenge you to create happiness. Create it in yourself. Create it in the world. And steer clear of the negative messages, both in the world and in your head. Be the powerful creator you were meant to be. Lift yourself up, and lift up others. Seek only the good. Create a little sunshine today.
I love you.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
It's finished!
I finally finished my cabled tunic! (Actually, I finished it a little
while ago but it's taken me a little while to find the time to blog.)
It seems so silly to me to have a big, bulky sweater with cap sleeves! It's cute, to be sure, but rather impractical. So, I'm working on designing some matching gloves that I can just slip on when I need them. I figure, over half the time that I'm wearing a long sleeved shirt/sweater I'm pushing up the sleeves anyway. However, this pattern is made with a pretty heavy yarn (#5 bulky/chunky) so I'm only likely to wear it when those sleeves are somewhat necessary. But having super-long gloves (opera length, I think it's called) would really be the best of both worlds. I'll have something to cover my arms when I need it, and be able to take them off when I don't.
Another downside to this sweater is that it adds a lot of bulk. I'm not a super slim woman to begin with, so to wear something that creates even more bulk makes me feel rather fat. There's just no other word for it.
While I know body issues are common among women, and so long as I'm healthy the rest shouldn't really matter, the fact is I still care. I'm still self-conscious about my weight and size. After 'Amber' was born, I had been doing really well with keeping up my workout routine--mostly Tai Chi with a little yoga. And I had been counting calories, finding myself often hitting under my daily limit even when not trying to limit myself. I was losing weight! In fact, I lost about 10lbs in about a month. The weight was coming off so easily that I stopped counting calories. And then school started up for the older two, and I found it harder and harder to get my workout done everyday.
It's been almost a month now since I was working out regularly, and two months since I tracked calories consistently. I blame the weather turning cold--rather quickly, I might add--for the sudden insatiable hunger. I'm quite literally always hungry. But I don't seem to be burning as many calories as I had been before either. Thus, I've gained back a few pounds. Not many. But when I put on the sweater, I felt like I had just gained 20. Not cool.
So, I guess it's time to get back on the band wagon. It's not that I eat bad food (very often), I just have been eating more than I need. Portion control is the hardest part of sensible eating--especially when what you're eating tastes amazing, and you know it's healthy and low in fat and all that! Plus, now that 'Amber' takes a longer nap most mornings, I can really start to get into a routine again, I hope. (Fingers crossed!) My massage therapist (who has solved my migraines!) recommended the Insanity workout. It certainly lives up to its name! But I'm so ready for those kinds of results! I could be looking so good by Thanksgiving, and be looking really great in time for Christmas pictures with my family!
Turns out, a sweater can be quite the motivation!
Another downside to this sweater is that it adds a lot of bulk. I'm not a super slim woman to begin with, so to wear something that creates even more bulk makes me feel rather fat. There's just no other word for it.
While I know body issues are common among women, and so long as I'm healthy the rest shouldn't really matter, the fact is I still care. I'm still self-conscious about my weight and size. After 'Amber' was born, I had been doing really well with keeping up my workout routine--mostly Tai Chi with a little yoga. And I had been counting calories, finding myself often hitting under my daily limit even when not trying to limit myself. I was losing weight! In fact, I lost about 10lbs in about a month. The weight was coming off so easily that I stopped counting calories. And then school started up for the older two, and I found it harder and harder to get my workout done everyday.
It's been almost a month now since I was working out regularly, and two months since I tracked calories consistently. I blame the weather turning cold--rather quickly, I might add--for the sudden insatiable hunger. I'm quite literally always hungry. But I don't seem to be burning as many calories as I had been before either. Thus, I've gained back a few pounds. Not many. But when I put on the sweater, I felt like I had just gained 20. Not cool.
So, I guess it's time to get back on the band wagon. It's not that I eat bad food (very often), I just have been eating more than I need. Portion control is the hardest part of sensible eating--especially when what you're eating tastes amazing, and you know it's healthy and low in fat and all that! Plus, now that 'Amber' takes a longer nap most mornings, I can really start to get into a routine again, I hope. (Fingers crossed!) My massage therapist (who has solved my migraines!) recommended the Insanity workout. It certainly lives up to its name! But I'm so ready for those kinds of results! I could be looking so good by Thanksgiving, and be looking really great in time for Christmas pictures with my family!
Turns out, a sweater can be quite the motivation!
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Gratitude
How often do we forget to be grateful, and to express that gratitude in our everyday lives? How often do we forget to thank God, or the universe, for the abundance we enjoy? How many of us forget to teach this 'attitude of gratitude' to our children?
I've begun to focus on the first two, and feel pretty good about it. But I realized this morning that I've woefully forgotten to teach this to my kids! Sure, they're pretty good about saying please and thank-you. But I've forgotten to teach them the bigger picture. So, to set a good example to my kids, I'd like to take a moment to say thanks.
Thank you to God for the amazing life I lead. It's become blissfully ordinary in recent years; and if you've ever lived a non-ordinary life, you know just what a blessing it is to have an ordinary one. Thank you to Him for sending me my fantastic husband who challenges me, inspires me, and dreams even bigger than I do. Someone who makes me laugh no matter how mad at him I might be (it may not be "fair", but it sure does put an end to the argument), or how sad I am (gotta say, you can't wallow when laughing)! Someone to hold my hand and walk with me through this life.
Thank you to Him for my wonderful kids! They're a whole new kind of challenge! They show me who I am, often reflecting back to me the things about myself that I get to work on. They are little mirrors, and yet their own person. It's been an awe-filled journey to be their mother. And yes, sometimes I still stop and think to myself, "Who are these little people and why are they calling me 'Mom'?"
I also thank God for the other gifts he has given me: nimble fingers with which I can create cute clothes and lace, dinner for my family, and loving arms to wrap around my little ones and spouse. Thanks for the food on my table, and warm house we live in. It's all possible because of Him. (And my dear husband who works so hard to provide for us!)
And thank you to all of my family and friends who have stood beside me, through the good and the bad. Thank you for being there and loving me through the crazy.
Well, I'm off to finish seaming the sweater I've been working on (finally!), and should have pictures tomorrow. I hope. After I finish the seaming I get to add the collar and cap sleeves, but that really shouldn't take me very long. TTFN!
I've begun to focus on the first two, and feel pretty good about it. But I realized this morning that I've woefully forgotten to teach this to my kids! Sure, they're pretty good about saying please and thank-you. But I've forgotten to teach them the bigger picture. So, to set a good example to my kids, I'd like to take a moment to say thanks.
Thank you to God for the amazing life I lead. It's become blissfully ordinary in recent years; and if you've ever lived a non-ordinary life, you know just what a blessing it is to have an ordinary one. Thank you to Him for sending me my fantastic husband who challenges me, inspires me, and dreams even bigger than I do. Someone who makes me laugh no matter how mad at him I might be (it may not be "fair", but it sure does put an end to the argument), or how sad I am (gotta say, you can't wallow when laughing)! Someone to hold my hand and walk with me through this life.
Thank you to Him for my wonderful kids! They're a whole new kind of challenge! They show me who I am, often reflecting back to me the things about myself that I get to work on. They are little mirrors, and yet their own person. It's been an awe-filled journey to be their mother. And yes, sometimes I still stop and think to myself, "Who are these little people and why are they calling me 'Mom'?"
I also thank God for the other gifts he has given me: nimble fingers with which I can create cute clothes and lace, dinner for my family, and loving arms to wrap around my little ones and spouse. Thanks for the food on my table, and warm house we live in. It's all possible because of Him. (And my dear husband who works so hard to provide for us!)
And thank you to all of my family and friends who have stood beside me, through the good and the bad. Thank you for being there and loving me through the crazy.
Well, I'm off to finish seaming the sweater I've been working on (finally!), and should have pictures tomorrow. I hope. After I finish the seaming I get to add the collar and cap sleeves, but that really shouldn't take me very long. TTFN!
Saturday, September 14, 2013
"God is in the Rain"
This is my favorite quote from the movie "V for Vendetta". And while the author of this line may have had a very different interpretation of its meaning, I have come to understand this statement in a new light very recently.
The last post I wrote was really about shame shrouded in modesty. In it, I mentioned that those girls who dress immodestly are the often the ones who suffered a lot of shaming at some point, and I touched on the fact that shaming can be about a number of things--not just clothing.
Well, that very same night as my last blog post I faced one of my shameful demons. I can't/won't get into the details because it involves others. But I felt that burning shame the same as I did all throughout my youth. I felt guilt at my inability to act since I was home with my babies, trying to get them all to sleep. I felt myself sliding into the abyss called despair and I felt powerless to stop it.
My husband asked me what was going on. I tried to find that calm place inside myself as I explained it. But tears came to my eyes; and once I started crying, I couldn't stop. I was horribly embarrassed to tell him what was going on. I had been dumped by guys in the past for less; the pain of which came rushing back, compounding the feelings of shame.
In the five years my husband and I have been married, he's always been a prince. He's never judged me for circumstances beyond my control. He's always seen the best in me, even when I couldn't see it myself. But that didn't change the shame I felt--not in intensity, or extent. I wanted to crawl into a hole. But before I could, he wrapped me in his arms and told me he loved me. Those three little words changed so much.
In those three little words more meaning than I can adequately express began to chase away the darkness. Of course, the only one who can banish that darkness forever is me. I know this. I thought I had been doing a pretty good job of it up until the other night. But there were some things I hadn't let go of yet that I wasn't aware of. In truth, I think the universe decided to test my resolve to overcome my lifetime (up to this point) of shame. God sent me my husband--this I know beyond a shadow of a doubt. God sent me a saint to help me through this life; one who is patient, and kind. One who tries his best to be understanding and supportive, and is never judgmental of me. Someone who still loves me.
You see, the other night it was raining. God was there. He sent me my husband, made him observant at that moment in time, and I felt their love. Never have I experienced anything so healing in all my life.
This isn't about life giving you lemons and all of that. It's about finding the strength to never give up. God is in the rain, because that's when we need him most. He's there, waiting to wash away the hurt and help us grow. With the help of his angels, people who touch our lives along the way, miracles happen. My husband is my angel. His love is my miracle.
The last post I wrote was really about shame shrouded in modesty. In it, I mentioned that those girls who dress immodestly are the often the ones who suffered a lot of shaming at some point, and I touched on the fact that shaming can be about a number of things--not just clothing.
Well, that very same night as my last blog post I faced one of my shameful demons. I can't/won't get into the details because it involves others. But I felt that burning shame the same as I did all throughout my youth. I felt guilt at my inability to act since I was home with my babies, trying to get them all to sleep. I felt myself sliding into the abyss called despair and I felt powerless to stop it.
My husband asked me what was going on. I tried to find that calm place inside myself as I explained it. But tears came to my eyes; and once I started crying, I couldn't stop. I was horribly embarrassed to tell him what was going on. I had been dumped by guys in the past for less; the pain of which came rushing back, compounding the feelings of shame.
In the five years my husband and I have been married, he's always been a prince. He's never judged me for circumstances beyond my control. He's always seen the best in me, even when I couldn't see it myself. But that didn't change the shame I felt--not in intensity, or extent. I wanted to crawl into a hole. But before I could, he wrapped me in his arms and told me he loved me. Those three little words changed so much.
In those three little words more meaning than I can adequately express began to chase away the darkness. Of course, the only one who can banish that darkness forever is me. I know this. I thought I had been doing a pretty good job of it up until the other night. But there were some things I hadn't let go of yet that I wasn't aware of. In truth, I think the universe decided to test my resolve to overcome my lifetime (up to this point) of shame. God sent me my husband--this I know beyond a shadow of a doubt. God sent me a saint to help me through this life; one who is patient, and kind. One who tries his best to be understanding and supportive, and is never judgmental of me. Someone who still loves me.
You see, the other night it was raining. God was there. He sent me my husband, made him observant at that moment in time, and I felt their love. Never have I experienced anything so healing in all my life.
“Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain.”--Vivian Greene
This isn't about life giving you lemons and all of that. It's about finding the strength to never give up. God is in the rain, because that's when we need him most. He's there, waiting to wash away the hurt and help us grow. With the help of his angels, people who touch our lives along the way, miracles happen. My husband is my angel. His love is my miracle.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Another discussion in Modesty--and shame
Ok, so my last post on this topic was rather a rant about my dissatisfaction regarding the current discourse about modesty, and our society's desperate need to change the way we talk to our children about such things. This is a topic that I'm so upset with the current state of things that I often find it difficult to talk about calmly at all. (Hence the rant.) Well, the subject has come around again (and again, and again) all around Facebook and other social media sites with all new blog links, but the same nauseating undertones and subtexts. Well, I'm happy to say I've found one that got it 'right'! One where the author doesn't take away anyone's responsibility in the matter, and doesn't shame girls either. Interestingly enough, this post was in response to another currently popular blog post from another mom. You can read the first "letter" here: http://givenbreath.com/2013/09/03/fyi-if-youre-a-teenage-girl/ , and the response here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/beth-woolsey/dear-mrs-hall-regarding-your-fyi-if-youre-a-teenage-girl_b_3894501.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular
I'm not going to take the time to go into all of the details, but here's a quick synopsis in case you don't have time to read them both yourself. The first is a letter by a mom, Mrs. Hall, who has teenage boys to all of their female, teenage friends. In it, she tells them that it's not ok to be overtly sexual in "selfies" and videos, and that if those kinds of things come through on her sons' newsfeeds, those girls will be blocked. No exceptions and no second chances.
The second post, the response by another mother with both a teenage daughter and a teenage son was what I wish I had the words to say. She graciously acknowledges Mrs. Hall intentions to protect her sons, and to show a presence in their lives--both online and off. She then goes on to say that 1: it's not ok to deny a man the chance to learn beyond the initial reaction to a picture as if they'll never be able to think of a woman in a non-sexual way once that thought has entered their mind, and 2: this letter/mindset "shifts an unreasonable burden of responsibility to young women for ensuring men don't view them sexually." KUDOS to YOU, Beth!!!!! She goes on to address young women, as well. And really, if you have time to read just one, please read this one!!!! It hits the nail right on the head.
But I would also like to add my two cents, just to expound upon what Beth has already written. We live in a culture that shames those who do not conform to a set of standards. That shame becomes so destructive to those who have been shamed, and also to those who do the shaming. But for the purposes of time and space, I'm going to only address those being shamed. Shame is at the root of so many problems from eating disorders, to addiction, to suicide. But the effects of shame also include the smaller things like inappropriate dress and behavior.
Girls are told from so young that they must act a certain way, dress a certain way, and the only thing that matters in the end is popularity. Even those stories and movies about the "nerd girl" are all about her changing her image--even just for a night--into "that girl" who then gains the attention of the prince. Only after she's become "that girl" does he ever notice her. She's not being noticed for her cleverness and he's not falling in love with her because she gets good grades. He sees the clothes and a pretty face and that's all it takes for him to 'fall in love' with her. And that's just Cinderella. There are so many other examples that take this same plot line and mix in sexuality, and before we know it there's another 13 year old girl getting pregnant in the news.
But then, instead of sending these girls more positive messages like the one here: http://putdowntheurinalcake.com/2012/07/you-are-becoming/ we tell these same girls that they're skanky. I know, very few people have actually used that word in their postings, but that's the unspoken message that is sent to these girls, and believe--me they hear it! They don't hear that you're just trying to look out for them so they don't fall victim to the creeps and perverts out there. They hear the shame you're bestowing on them along with your judgements. They read the condemnation between the lines. And they feel the shame. Sometimes that girl will get angry that you would make her feel that way, and brush off what you said, and hopefully that's as far as the damage will go. But chances are, that's just the beginning.
That shame will eat at her until she seeks out someone who will make her feel better about herself again. She'll go looking for positive proof that how she dresses and acts is good and appreciated. And we all know who will give her that kind of attention. (Girls, trust me, you don't want the guy that looks at you when you dress like that. 'Cause at the very least, he'll be looking at every other girl, too. And no way do you need that kind of drama!) Her dress and actions won't change for the better. And those are the lucky ones--the ones who don't get themselves so tangled up in addiction or eating disorders that it kills them, the ones who don't end up prostituting either by 'choice' or by force.
That girl who is dressed up, trying to look her sexy best, snapping "selfies" in the bathroom mirror with that ridiculous duck face (pouty lips), she's desperate for affection, for acceptance. Why? Because she no longer believes she's worthy of love. She no longer believes that real love doesn't hurt, doesn't mean sacrificing self-respect, and doesn't matter one iota about what others think of you. How did she get this way? Because of shame. Because someone, somewhere made her feel ashamed of herself--maybe of where she comes from, or who she comes from. She no longer believes she deserves real love and respect. She'll lie to herself, telling herself she doesn't need anyone's approval, that she doesn't care what others think. But her actions give her away. If you look in her eyes, you'll see the pain she's feebly trying to cover up, trying to hide it away so that can't be used against her too.
How do I know all of this? Because I was one of the lucky ones. I suffered a lot before I learned I was worth so much more than what I was settling for, and tolerating what no one should have to tolerate to be 'accepted'. I know how it feels to be shamed, and to try to pick yourself up day after day knowing no one approves of you because no one really sees you. And I know now why no one could see me, and it really had nothing to do with clothes. But these young girls don't know this yet. And shaming them is NOT going to help them learn it. Only by loving them, and gently reminding them of their true worth will we ever help these girls rise above this debasement and the lies society has been telling them for so long.
One last comment, this time about the messages we send to our boys. No, you should not objectify women--and yes that is incredibly hard to do when your peers are posting those kind of pictures of themselves. But you have the remarkable chance to show her that real men will see the real woman regardless of what she's wearing or the ridiculous posture she's taking. Men of value see the value in others. They see the whole person, not just one small piece. It's easy to see what is right in front of you. But what you discover underneath it all is worth so much more than just discovering what's underneath her towel.
Don't cop out, either, by using the excuse of what she's wearing causing you to think and behave less than nobly. That's saying, "she made me do it!" Honestly, that should have stopped working as an excuse when you were five, and got caught pulling your sister's hair because she made you angry. Don't give in to the temptation to blame others. You're better than that.
I'm not going to take the time to go into all of the details, but here's a quick synopsis in case you don't have time to read them both yourself. The first is a letter by a mom, Mrs. Hall, who has teenage boys to all of their female, teenage friends. In it, she tells them that it's not ok to be overtly sexual in "selfies" and videos, and that if those kinds of things come through on her sons' newsfeeds, those girls will be blocked. No exceptions and no second chances.
The second post, the response by another mother with both a teenage daughter and a teenage son was what I wish I had the words to say. She graciously acknowledges Mrs. Hall intentions to protect her sons, and to show a presence in their lives--both online and off. She then goes on to say that 1: it's not ok to deny a man the chance to learn beyond the initial reaction to a picture as if they'll never be able to think of a woman in a non-sexual way once that thought has entered their mind, and 2: this letter/mindset "shifts an unreasonable burden of responsibility to young women for ensuring men don't view them sexually." KUDOS to YOU, Beth!!!!! She goes on to address young women, as well. And really, if you have time to read just one, please read this one!!!! It hits the nail right on the head.
But I would also like to add my two cents, just to expound upon what Beth has already written. We live in a culture that shames those who do not conform to a set of standards. That shame becomes so destructive to those who have been shamed, and also to those who do the shaming. But for the purposes of time and space, I'm going to only address those being shamed. Shame is at the root of so many problems from eating disorders, to addiction, to suicide. But the effects of shame also include the smaller things like inappropriate dress and behavior.
Girls are told from so young that they must act a certain way, dress a certain way, and the only thing that matters in the end is popularity. Even those stories and movies about the "nerd girl" are all about her changing her image--even just for a night--into "that girl" who then gains the attention of the prince. Only after she's become "that girl" does he ever notice her. She's not being noticed for her cleverness and he's not falling in love with her because she gets good grades. He sees the clothes and a pretty face and that's all it takes for him to 'fall in love' with her. And that's just Cinderella. There are so many other examples that take this same plot line and mix in sexuality, and before we know it there's another 13 year old girl getting pregnant in the news.
But then, instead of sending these girls more positive messages like the one here: http://putdowntheurinalcake.com/2012/07/you-are-becoming/ we tell these same girls that they're skanky. I know, very few people have actually used that word in their postings, but that's the unspoken message that is sent to these girls, and believe--me they hear it! They don't hear that you're just trying to look out for them so they don't fall victim to the creeps and perverts out there. They hear the shame you're bestowing on them along with your judgements. They read the condemnation between the lines. And they feel the shame. Sometimes that girl will get angry that you would make her feel that way, and brush off what you said, and hopefully that's as far as the damage will go. But chances are, that's just the beginning.
That shame will eat at her until she seeks out someone who will make her feel better about herself again. She'll go looking for positive proof that how she dresses and acts is good and appreciated. And we all know who will give her that kind of attention. (Girls, trust me, you don't want the guy that looks at you when you dress like that. 'Cause at the very least, he'll be looking at every other girl, too. And no way do you need that kind of drama!) Her dress and actions won't change for the better. And those are the lucky ones--the ones who don't get themselves so tangled up in addiction or eating disorders that it kills them, the ones who don't end up prostituting either by 'choice' or by force.
That girl who is dressed up, trying to look her sexy best, snapping "selfies" in the bathroom mirror with that ridiculous duck face (pouty lips), she's desperate for affection, for acceptance. Why? Because she no longer believes she's worthy of love. She no longer believes that real love doesn't hurt, doesn't mean sacrificing self-respect, and doesn't matter one iota about what others think of you. How did she get this way? Because of shame. Because someone, somewhere made her feel ashamed of herself--maybe of where she comes from, or who she comes from. She no longer believes she deserves real love and respect. She'll lie to herself, telling herself she doesn't need anyone's approval, that she doesn't care what others think. But her actions give her away. If you look in her eyes, you'll see the pain she's feebly trying to cover up, trying to hide it away so that can't be used against her too.
How do I know all of this? Because I was one of the lucky ones. I suffered a lot before I learned I was worth so much more than what I was settling for, and tolerating what no one should have to tolerate to be 'accepted'. I know how it feels to be shamed, and to try to pick yourself up day after day knowing no one approves of you because no one really sees you. And I know now why no one could see me, and it really had nothing to do with clothes. But these young girls don't know this yet. And shaming them is NOT going to help them learn it. Only by loving them, and gently reminding them of their true worth will we ever help these girls rise above this debasement and the lies society has been telling them for so long.
One last comment, this time about the messages we send to our boys. No, you should not objectify women--and yes that is incredibly hard to do when your peers are posting those kind of pictures of themselves. But you have the remarkable chance to show her that real men will see the real woman regardless of what she's wearing or the ridiculous posture she's taking. Men of value see the value in others. They see the whole person, not just one small piece. It's easy to see what is right in front of you. But what you discover underneath it all is worth so much more than just discovering what's underneath her towel.
Don't cop out, either, by using the excuse of what she's wearing causing you to think and behave less than nobly. That's saying, "she made me do it!" Honestly, that should have stopped working as an excuse when you were five, and got caught pulling your sister's hair because she made you angry. Don't give in to the temptation to blame others. You're better than that.
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