Ok, so my last post on this topic was rather a rant about my dissatisfaction regarding the current discourse about modesty, and our society's desperate need to change the way we talk to our children about such things. This is a topic that I'm so upset with the current state of things that I often find it difficult to talk about calmly at all. (Hence the rant.) Well, the subject has come around again (and again, and again) all around Facebook and other social media sites with all new blog links, but the same nauseating undertones and subtexts. Well, I'm happy to say I've found one that got it 'right'! One where the author doesn't take away anyone's responsibility in the matter, and doesn't shame girls either. Interestingly enough, this post was in response to another currently popular blog post from another mom. You can read the first "letter" here: http://givenbreath.com/2013/09/03/fyi-if-youre-a-teenage-girl/ , and the response here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/beth-woolsey/dear-mrs-hall-regarding-your-fyi-if-youre-a-teenage-girl_b_3894501.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular
I'm not going to take the time to go into all of the details, but here's a quick synopsis in case you don't have time to read them both yourself. The first is a letter by a mom, Mrs. Hall, who has teenage boys to all of their female, teenage friends. In it, she tells them that it's not ok to be overtly sexual in "selfies" and videos, and that if those kinds of things come through on her sons' newsfeeds, those girls will be blocked. No exceptions and no second chances.
The second post, the response by another mother with both a teenage daughter and a teenage son was what I wish I had the words to say. She graciously acknowledges Mrs. Hall intentions to protect her sons, and to show a presence in their lives--both online and off. She then goes on to say that 1: it's not ok to deny a man the chance to learn beyond the initial reaction to a picture as if they'll never be able to think of a woman in a non-sexual way once that thought has entered their mind, and 2: this letter/mindset "shifts an unreasonable burden of responsibility to young women for ensuring men don't view them sexually." KUDOS to YOU, Beth!!!!! She goes on to address young women, as well. And really, if you have time to read just one, please read this one!!!! It hits the nail right on the head.
But I would also like to add my two cents, just to expound upon what Beth has already written. We live in a culture that shames those who do not conform to a set of standards. That shame becomes so destructive to those who have been shamed, and also to those who do the shaming. But for the purposes of time and space, I'm going to only address those being shamed. Shame is at the root of so many problems from eating disorders, to addiction, to suicide. But the effects of shame also include the smaller things like inappropriate dress and behavior.
Girls are told from so young that they must act a certain way, dress a certain way, and the only thing that matters in the end is popularity. Even those stories and movies about the "nerd girl" are all about her changing her image--even just for a night--into "that girl" who then gains the attention of the prince. Only after she's become "that girl" does he ever notice her. She's not being noticed for her cleverness and he's not falling in love with her because she gets good grades. He sees the clothes and a pretty face and that's all it takes for him to 'fall in love' with her. And that's just Cinderella. There are so many other examples that take this same plot line and mix in sexuality, and before we know it there's another 13 year old girl getting pregnant in the news.
But then, instead of sending these girls more positive messages like the one here: http://putdowntheurinalcake.com/2012/07/you-are-becoming/ we tell these same girls that they're skanky. I know, very few people have actually used that word in their postings, but that's the unspoken message that is sent to these girls, and believe--me they hear it! They don't hear that you're just trying to look out for them so they don't fall victim to the creeps and perverts out there. They hear the shame you're bestowing on them along with your judgements. They read the condemnation between the lines. And they feel the shame. Sometimes that girl will get angry that you would make her feel that way, and brush off what you said, and hopefully that's as far as the damage will go. But chances are, that's just the beginning.
That shame will eat at her until she seeks out someone who will make her feel better about herself again. She'll go looking for positive proof that how she dresses and acts is good and appreciated. And we all know who will give her that kind of attention. (Girls, trust me, you don't want the guy that looks at you when you dress like that. 'Cause at the very least, he'll be looking at every other girl, too. And no way do you need that kind of drama!) Her dress and actions won't change for the better. And those are the lucky ones--the ones who don't get themselves so tangled up in addiction or eating disorders that it kills them, the ones who don't end up prostituting either by 'choice' or by force.
That girl who is dressed up, trying to look her sexy best, snapping "selfies" in the bathroom mirror with that ridiculous duck face (pouty lips), she's desperate for affection, for acceptance. Why? Because she no longer believes she's worthy of love. She no longer believes that real love doesn't hurt, doesn't mean sacrificing self-respect, and doesn't matter one iota about what others think of you. How did she get this way? Because of shame. Because someone, somewhere made her feel ashamed of herself--maybe of where she comes from, or who she comes from. She no longer believes she deserves real love and respect. She'll lie to herself, telling herself she doesn't need anyone's approval, that she doesn't care what others think. But her actions give her away. If you look in her eyes, you'll see the pain she's feebly trying to cover up, trying to hide it away so that can't be used against her too.
How do I know all of this? Because I was one of the lucky ones. I suffered a lot before I learned I was worth so much more than what I was settling for, and tolerating what no one should have to tolerate to be 'accepted'. I know how it feels to be shamed, and to try to pick yourself up day after day knowing no one approves of you because no one really sees you. And I know now why no one could see me, and it really had nothing to do with clothes. But these young girls don't know this yet. And shaming them is NOT going to help them learn it. Only by loving them, and gently reminding them of their true worth will we ever help these girls rise above this debasement and the lies society has been telling them for so long.
One last comment, this time about the messages we send to our boys. No, you should not objectify women--and yes that is incredibly hard to do when your peers are posting those kind of pictures of themselves. But you have the remarkable chance to show her that real men will see the real woman regardless of what she's wearing or the ridiculous posture she's taking. Men of value see the value in others. They see the whole person, not just one small piece. It's easy to see what is right in front of you. But what you discover underneath it all is worth so much more than just discovering what's underneath her towel.
Don't cop out, either, by using the excuse of what she's wearing causing you to think and behave less than nobly. That's saying, "she made me do it!" Honestly, that should have stopped working as an excuse when you were five, and got caught pulling your sister's hair because she made you angry. Don't give in to the temptation to blame others. You're better than that.
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