Smiles

I woke up this morning so full of joy! I don't have any one particular thing to point to for this, I just am.

Now, before you all going thinking that I'm one of those braggers who only blogs to brag, let me tell you the reality of my life right now. I just had a baby, and if any of you have ever had a baby while on COBRA, you know how much it DOESN'T help. Plus, last year my husband had surgery, for which we just finished paying those bills last month. On top of that, my husband started a new job so his pay is at the bottom of what this company offers right now (I'm sure he'll get a raise or promoted quickly), and he works the weekend shifts for the pay differential. My older kids aren't with me every weekend, but that can be a blessing (date night!) which I have to remind myself of sometimes. And my baby, who is already a screamer, is teething with two new ones cutting right now! I couldn't tell you the last time I got any real amount of sleep with any amount of accuracy, but I think it was about a month ago. And all of her screaming has triggered more than one migraine in the last month. I'm talking the kind of migraine that takes two days to recover from. And this is just the beginning. I could go on, but that's not the point of this post.

We all have things we are dealing with. We all have challenges, struggles, and hopefully a few triumphs. Life isn't really easy for anyone. Even those you think have it oh-so-easy probably don't. Their challenges just look different than yours or mine. So how is it I woke up so darn happy this morning?

To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what has put me in such a good mood this morning. It could be the great snippet I read on a social media site today about a military man who was running a 5k coming in dead last for his age group. Why would that make me happy? Because he was dead last because a little 9 year old boy asked him to run with him after being separated from his group, and this wonderful man did! That man, Lance Cpl. Kerr, is a hero. You can read the snippet here: http://www.cbs6albany.com/template/cgi-bin/archived.pl?type=basic&file=/news/features/top-story/stories/archive/2013/08/dsfsu3O1.xml#.UkhGWD_p8ac

Or maybe it's the thought of my husband telling me how much he wanted to snuggle up with me on the couch and watch a movie yesterday--our stay-date. But instead, he sweetly put his shoes back on and together we helped a friend move. We came home, and went straight to bed. . .which was still a sweet end to my day. I love falling asleep with his arm around me.

It could be I'm so happy this morning because last night, 'Amber' grabbed my finger and put it in her mouth. Normally, when she puts anything in her mouth she immediately starts biting or sucking on it. But she just held my finger there and gave me this look as if to say, "Come on, Mom. Figure it out." So I started running my finger around her gums where I discovered she's cutting another tooth! Once I found it, she pulled my finger back out of her mouth and gave me a grin. I double checked this morning, and she has two teeth that are coming in side-by-side. (Hopefully, some of her screaming will subside now that these teeth have cut!)

Or maybe, I'm just happy because the sun is shining. I really do love the sunshine! And I love Autumn. So today is the perfect day!

What's my point in all of this? Happiness is a choice. Happiness is what we make it. And I'm not just talking about "deciding" to be happy despite of all the crap out there. I'm talking about making the choices that will making living a happy life a reality. That's the part people tend to gloss over. If you want to be happy, you have to make the kinds of choices that facilitate it! Simple things like spending less than you make every month, which I know can be hard, really does make life just a little more bearable when those bills show up in the mail. Or planning date night for those nights that the kids are gone anyway. Find the positive and focus on it!

I don't watch the news because it makes me want to cry, buy a shotgun with plenty of ammo, and never leave my house! That's no way to live! Not to mention, if we all focused on the good, and lifted up those around us so that they might do the same, we wouldn't need those shotguns!

Now, I know there aren't many people who read this. Most of these posts are like a public journal, and hopefully a reminder of all the things I deserve to remember. So, future self and anyone else reading this, today I challenge you to create happiness. Create it in yourself. Create it in the world. And steer clear of the negative messages, both in the world and in your head. Be the powerful creator you were meant to be. Lift yourself up, and lift up others. Seek only the good. Create a little sunshine today.

I love you.

It's finished!

I finally finished my cabled tunic! (Actually, I finished it a little while ago but it's taken me a little while to find the time to blog.)

It seems so silly to me to have a big, bulky sweater with cap sleeves! It's cute, to be sure, but rather impractical. So, I'm working on designing some matching gloves that I can just slip on when I need them. I figure, over half the time that I'm wearing a long sleeved shirt/sweater I'm pushing up the sleeves anyway. However, this pattern is made with a pretty heavy yarn (#5 bulky/chunky) so I'm only likely to wear it when those sleeves are somewhat necessary. But having super-long gloves (opera length, I think it's called) would really be the best of both worlds. I'll have something to cover my arms when I need it, and be able to take them off when I don't.

Another downside to this sweater is that it adds a lot of bulk. I'm not a super slim woman to begin with, so to wear something that creates even more bulk makes me feel rather fat. There's just no other word for it.

While I know body issues are common among women, and so long as I'm healthy the rest shouldn't really matter, the fact is I still care. I'm still self-conscious about my weight and size. After 'Amber' was born, I had been doing really well with keeping up my workout routine--mostly Tai Chi with a little yoga. And I had been counting calories, finding myself often hitting under my daily limit even when not trying to limit myself. I was losing weight! In fact, I lost about 10lbs in about a month. The weight was coming off so easily that I stopped counting calories. And then school started up for the older two, and I found it harder and harder to get my workout done everyday.

It's been almost a month now since I was working out regularly, and two months since I tracked calories consistently. I blame the weather turning cold--rather quickly, I might add--for the sudden insatiable hunger. I'm quite literally always hungry. But I don't seem to be burning as many calories as I had been before either. Thus, I've gained back a few pounds. Not many. But when I put on the sweater, I felt like I had just gained 20. Not cool.

So, I guess it's time to get back on the band wagon. It's not that I eat bad food (very often), I just have been eating more than I need. Portion control is the hardest part of sensible eating--especially when what you're eating tastes amazing, and you know it's healthy and low in fat and all that! Plus, now that 'Amber' takes a longer nap most mornings, I can really start to get into a routine again, I hope. (Fingers crossed!) My massage therapist (who has solved my migraines!) recommended the Insanity workout. It certainly lives up to its name! But I'm so ready for those kinds of results! I could be looking so good by Thanksgiving, and be looking really great in time for Christmas pictures with my family!

Turns out, a sweater can be quite the motivation!

Gratitude

How often do we forget to be grateful, and to express that gratitude in our everyday lives? How often do we forget to thank God, or the universe, for the abundance we enjoy? How many of us forget to teach this 'attitude of gratitude' to our children?

I've begun to focus on the first two, and feel pretty good about it. But I realized this morning that I've woefully forgotten to teach this to my kids! Sure, they're pretty good about saying please and thank-you. But I've forgotten to teach them the bigger picture. So, to set a good example to my kids, I'd like to take a moment to say thanks.

Thank you to God for the amazing life I lead. It's become blissfully ordinary in recent years; and if you've ever lived a non-ordinary life, you know just what a blessing it is to have an ordinary one. Thank you to Him for sending me my fantastic husband who challenges me, inspires me, and dreams even bigger than I do. Someone who makes me laugh no matter how mad at him I might be (it may not be "fair", but it sure does put an end to the argument), or how sad I am (gotta say, you can't wallow when laughing)! Someone to hold my hand and walk with me through this life.

Thank you to Him for my wonderful kids! They're a whole new kind of challenge! They show me who I am, often reflecting back to me the things about myself that I get to work on. They are little mirrors, and yet their own person. It's been an awe-filled journey to be their mother. And yes, sometimes I still stop and think to myself, "Who are these little people and why are they calling me 'Mom'?"

I also thank God for the other gifts he has given me: nimble fingers with which I can create cute clothes and lace, dinner for my family, and loving arms to wrap around my little ones and spouse. Thanks for the food on my table, and warm house we live in. It's all possible because of Him. (And my dear husband who works so hard to provide for us!)

And thank you to all of my family and friends who have stood beside me, through the good and the bad. Thank you for being there and loving me through the crazy.

Well, I'm off to finish seaming the sweater I've been working on (finally!), and should have pictures tomorrow. I hope. After I finish the seaming I get to add the collar and cap sleeves, but that really shouldn't take me very long. TTFN!

"God is in the Rain"

This is my favorite quote from the movie "V for Vendetta". And while the author of this line may have had a very different interpretation of its meaning, I have come to understand this statement in a new light very recently.

The last post I wrote was really about shame shrouded in modesty. In it, I mentioned that those girls who dress immodestly are the often the ones who suffered a lot of shaming at some point, and I touched on the fact that shaming can be about a number of things--not just clothing.

Well, that very same night as my last blog post I faced one of my shameful demons. I can't/won't get into the details because it involves others. But I felt that burning shame the same as I did all throughout my youth. I felt guilt at my inability to act since I was home with my babies, trying to get them all to sleep. I felt myself sliding into the abyss called despair and I felt powerless to stop it.

My husband asked me what was going on. I tried to find that calm place inside myself as I explained it. But tears came to my eyes; and once I started crying, I couldn't stop. I was horribly embarrassed to tell him what was going on. I had been dumped by guys in the past for less; the pain of which came rushing back, compounding the feelings of shame.

In the five years my husband and I have been married, he's always been a prince. He's never judged me for circumstances beyond my control. He's always seen the best in me, even when I couldn't see it myself. But that didn't change the shame I felt--not in intensity, or extent. I wanted to crawl into a hole. But before I could, he wrapped me in his arms and told me he loved me. Those three little words changed so much.

In those three little words more meaning than I can adequately express began to chase away the darkness. Of course, the only one who can banish that darkness forever is me. I know this. I thought I had been doing a pretty good job of it up until the other night. But there were some things I hadn't let go of yet that I wasn't aware of. In truth, I think the universe decided to test my resolve to overcome my lifetime (up to this point) of shame. God sent me my husband--this I know beyond a shadow of a doubt. God sent me a saint to help me through this life; one who is patient, and kind. One who tries his best to be understanding and supportive, and is never judgmental of me. Someone who still loves me. 

You see, the other night it was raining. God was there. He sent me my husband, made him observant at that moment in time, and I felt their love. Never have I experienced anything so healing in all my life. 

“Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain.”--Vivian Greene

This isn't about life giving you lemons and all of that. It's about finding the strength to never give up. God is in the rain, because that's when we need him most. He's there, waiting to wash away the hurt and help us grow. With the help of his angels, people who touch our lives along the way, miracles happen. My husband is my angel. His love is my miracle.

Another discussion in Modesty--and shame

Ok, so my last post on this topic was rather a rant about my dissatisfaction regarding the current discourse about modesty, and our society's desperate need to change the way we talk to our children about such things. This is a topic that I'm so upset with the current state of things that I often find it difficult to talk about calmly at all. (Hence the rant.) Well, the subject has come around again (and again, and again) all around Facebook and other social media sites with all new blog links, but the same nauseating undertones and subtexts. Well, I'm happy to say I've found one that got it 'right'! One where the author doesn't take away anyone's responsibility in the matter, and doesn't shame girls either. Interestingly enough, this post was in response to another currently popular blog post from another mom.  You can read the first "letter" here: http://givenbreath.com/2013/09/03/fyi-if-youre-a-teenage-girl/ , and the response here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/beth-woolsey/dear-mrs-hall-regarding-your-fyi-if-youre-a-teenage-girl_b_3894501.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

I'm not going to take the time to go into all of the details, but here's a quick synopsis in case you don't have time to read them both yourself. The first is a letter by a mom, Mrs. Hall, who has teenage boys to all of their female, teenage friends. In it, she tells them that it's not ok to be overtly sexual in "selfies" and videos, and that if those kinds of things come through on her sons' newsfeeds, those girls will be blocked. No exceptions and no second chances.

The second post, the response by another mother with both a teenage daughter and a teenage son was what I wish I had the words to say. She graciously acknowledges Mrs. Hall intentions to protect her sons, and to show a presence in their lives--both online and off. She then goes on to say that 1: it's not ok to deny a man the chance to learn beyond the initial reaction to a picture as if they'll never be able to think of a woman in a non-sexual way once that thought has entered their mind, and 2: this letter/mindset "shifts an unreasonable burden of responsibility to young women for ensuring men don't view them sexually." KUDOS to YOU, Beth!!!!! She goes on to address young women, as well. And really, if you have time to read just one, please read this one!!!! It hits the nail right on the head.

But I would also like to add my two cents, just to expound upon what Beth has already written. We live in a culture that shames those who do not conform to a set of standards. That shame becomes so destructive to those who have been shamed, and also to those who do the shaming. But for the purposes of time and space, I'm going to only address those being shamed. Shame is at the root of so many problems from eating disorders, to addiction, to suicide. But the effects of shame also include the smaller things like inappropriate dress and behavior.

Girls are told from so young that they must act a certain way, dress a certain way, and the only thing that matters in the end is popularity. Even those stories and movies about the "nerd girl" are all about her changing her image--even just for a night--into "that girl" who then gains the attention of the prince. Only after she's become "that girl" does he ever notice her. She's not being noticed for her cleverness and he's not falling in love with her because she gets good grades. He sees the clothes and a pretty face and that's all it takes for him to 'fall in love' with her. And that's just Cinderella. There are so many other examples that take this same plot line and mix in sexuality, and before we know it there's another 13 year old girl getting pregnant in the news.

But then, instead of sending these girls more positive messages like the one here: http://putdowntheurinalcake.com/2012/07/you-are-becoming/ we tell these same girls that they're skanky. I know, very few people have actually used that word in their postings, but that's the unspoken message that is sent to these girls, and believe--me they hear it! They don't hear that you're just trying to look out for them so they don't fall victim to the creeps and perverts out there. They hear the shame you're bestowing on them along with your judgements. They read the condemnation between the lines. And they feel the shame. Sometimes that girl will get angry that you would make her feel that way, and brush off what you said, and hopefully that's as far as the damage will go. But chances are, that's just the beginning.

That shame will eat at her until she seeks out someone who will make her feel better about herself again. She'll go looking for positive proof that how she dresses and acts is good and appreciated. And we all know who will give her that kind of attention. (Girls, trust me, you don't want the guy that looks at you when you dress like that. 'Cause at the very least, he'll be looking at every other girl, too. And no way do you need that kind of drama!) Her dress and actions won't change for the better. And those are the lucky ones--the ones who don't get themselves so tangled up in addiction or eating disorders that it kills them, the ones who don't end up prostituting either by 'choice' or by force.

That girl who is dressed up, trying to look her sexy best, snapping "selfies" in the bathroom mirror with that ridiculous duck face (pouty lips), she's desperate for affection, for acceptance. Why? Because she no longer believes she's worthy of love. She no longer believes that real love doesn't hurt, doesn't mean sacrificing self-respect, and doesn't matter one iota about what others think of you. How did she get this way? Because of shame. Because someone, somewhere made her feel ashamed of herself--maybe of where she comes from, or who she comes from. She no longer believes she deserves real love and respect. She'll lie to herself, telling herself she doesn't need anyone's approval, that she doesn't care what others think. But her actions give her away. If you look in her eyes, you'll see the pain she's feebly trying to cover up, trying to hide it away so that can't be used against her too.

How do I know all of this? Because I was one of the lucky ones. I suffered a lot before I learned I was worth so much more than what I was settling for, and tolerating what no one should have to tolerate to be 'accepted'. I know how it feels to be shamed, and to try to pick yourself up day after day knowing no one approves of you because no one really sees you. And I know now why no one could see me, and it really had nothing to do with clothes. But these young girls don't know this yet. And shaming them is NOT going to help them learn it. Only by loving them, and gently reminding them of their true worth will we ever help these girls rise above this debasement and the lies society has been telling them for so long.

One last comment, this time about the messages we send to our boys. No, you should not objectify women--and yes that is incredibly hard to do when your peers are posting those kind of pictures of themselves. But you have the remarkable chance to show her that real men will see the real woman regardless of what she's wearing or the ridiculous posture she's taking. Men of value see the value in others. They see the whole person, not just one small piece. It's easy to see what is right in front of you. But what you discover underneath it all is worth so much more than just discovering what's underneath her towel.

Don't cop out, either, by using the excuse of what she's wearing causing you to think and behave less than nobly. That's saying, "she made me do it!" Honestly, that should have stopped working as an excuse when you were five, and got caught pulling your sister's hair because she made you angry. Don't give in to the temptation to blame others. You're better than that.

My Journey to Becoming a Domestic Goddes: I'm now one of 'those moms'

And don't you know I love it? It just kind of hit me this morning as I was walking 'Jane' to school with 'Amber' in the stroller. I passed so many moms doing the exact same thing! lol. I don't know how I would have felt about this a few years ago. Truth be told, I never really felt like I fit in around here. I was never the type to really try. But here I am, doing what I want to do without the influence of outside forces, and I find myself suddenly "there".

Life is so often compared to road trips that it's becoming cliche. There is a saying that goes something like, "If you don't know where you're going, it doesn't matter where you end up." Life is like that in so many ways. But, even if you don't have a clear road map, or step-by-step goals, you can still get to where you're going in life--unlike a road trip. (Can you just imagine trying to get across the country with no more thought than "I'd like to go to the beach today. . ."?) But at the same time, if you have too vague an idea you'll still never get to where you want to go. I think that's how we can define the difference between knowing where you want to go, and maybe just knowing where you don't want to go.

I'm living proof. I didn't set out to 'fit-in' with the soccer moms, the triathlete moms, or even the Born Organized moms. And I probably never really will. But today was a sort of vindication that I must be doing something right! My kids may not ever want so many extra-circulars, and I'm not going to force them. I hate exercise and only do what I need to be healthy, so triathlons are out. And no one would ever mistakenly call me a Born Organized person. But walking my kids to school today, with all of those other moms felt so right. Not because I'm trying to gain membership into some exclusive club. It's because I felt I had reached a small, tangible milestone I could set my marker by. Something to indicate I'm on the right path, headed in the direction I want to go, and doing something "right" even if it's the only thing I do get right today.

My journey is far from over--not that it really will ever end. But that's what makes it so wonderful-- this gift called life. There isn't a set point that it becomes too late to change course. And while I might have figured out a few parenting "secrets" sooner than some, that doesn't mean I don't make mistakes or that it's too late for anyone else. My biggest struggles lie elsewhere. But I'm working on those too. So while I'm kind of starting from little more than scratch in the parenting department, all I can say to you is that you will spend time where your heart truly is. And if you spend your time trying to get better at parenting, look for the little things along the way.

Grateful for the Rain--Mostly

This last weekend, my area got a bit more rain than usual. Ok, a lot more. The canyon just up from my house had a 30 foot landslide, blocking traffic on both sides. Our local mall was under so much water some people got stranded. And my friend's house was flooded to the point of having to call out a disaster clean-up crew to come help.

At my house, on the other hand, while we still got wet we didn't flood. Baby 'Amber' really doesn't like thunder. And 'Jane' doesn't like lightening. Apparently 'Alex' told her the lightening would strike the house and break it. I explained the lightening would strike one of the large, mature trees surrounding our house before it struck the house itself--to which she responded by getting very upset that the trees would get hurt.

Today, the sun is finally making an appearance. It's shaping up to be a beautiful day! All the extra water is making my lawn look fantastic too, so we might just have to celebrate with a picnic dinner in the backyard tonight. But, for as much as I love the sun, and I'm so grateful my friends are going to be out of danger (my husband too when he goes to work) the rain was such a blessing.

Besides the fact this year was a nasty drought year (up to this point--now, I don't know if we still qualify to call it such), and the rain was much needed, I managed to get a fair bit done on my next knitting project! Yes, I started another project without finishing any of the others I had been working on. That shouldn't be surprising.

The pattern, and full picture of what it will look like can be seen here. http://www.interweavestore.com/roam-tunic It's made using chunky/bulky yarn, and with the chill in the air over the weekend, this was the perfect project! So far, I'm about halfway done with the back panel. I saw this pattern and fell in love with it. The only thing I don't like, though, is that it's big and thick and long--how I like my sweaters--but it only has little cap sleeves. While the overall effect is beautiful, I think I'd prefer to have warm arms. So, I'm tinkering with a few ideas to add some longer sleeves that I think will look great. But if I'm going to add sleeves, I'm going to have to go back to the yarn shop since I didn't buy yarn beyond what the pattern calls for.

Also, since I spent so much time knitting this weekend, the girls have renewed their interest in learning how to knit! I love it! 'Alex' is having too much fun with the long-tail cast on to want to move on to the actual knitting. I cast on for 'Jane' after she struggled for a couple of hours even with help. She was so excited about finally getting all of her cast-on stitches last night that she informed me she was going to work on her knitting in the morning if she had time before school.

Well, this morning she got up an hour early just to be sure she could work on it. She completed her first row of what will eventually be a scarf. And still had more than enough time to get ready for school. *Note: I made her eat breakfast and get dressed before I let her touch the needles. Otherwise, there is a strong likelihood she would have been late for school.

I'm feeling so blessed this morning! Beautiful, smart kids who love to learn. A nice, dry house that was just chilly enough to work on a thick sweater--and the materials to do so! And a lush green lawn, too! Life just doesn't get any better. May you be as blessed today, whatever comes your way.