We've all had those times in our life when things seemed out of control. And I'm sure you know that desperate feeling that comes with it. The hectic dash from one thing to another just trying to control the damage since controlling the situation had gone out the window long ago. We all have to develop coping skills for times like these, but it seems those skills come after the crisis is over. And only if we're very lucky do we remember those lessons when the next wave hits weeks, months, and sometimes years later.
I've never been good at dealing with stress. I didn't have a role model to show me healthy coping techniques growing up, leaving me woefully unprepared for the worst of life's challenges. When I went back to school for my degree in behavioral science, my lack of coping skills became so much more apparent than at any other time in my life.
My emergency c-section with my first child I didn't panic. I didn't hardly bat an eyelash when they told me she was breech and "don't sneeze. We're heading to the OR and she needs to stay in until then." I just nodded my head--all of the sudden the last three days made a lot of sense--and away we rolled. Though truth be told, I didn't handle my other mandatory c-sections with quite so much grace.
But going back to school was a very different story. And the worst part was my family suffered the most. All the stress I was under made me snappy, short-tempered, and a yeller. That's one of those things you never want to become, much less admit to it. But that's what I became: a yeller.
This is the first thing I noticed about myself that set me on this path of becoming the best possible version of myself I could be. I saw it happening, and felt powerless to change course. And I watched as my family began to change. My youngest at the time would shrink away from me. My oldest became very bossy of her only-slightly-younger sister. And my husband began to do the same things I was, which didn't help.
I took a leave of absence a year ago now. I was so sick during the first half of my pregnancy with our third child there was no way I was going to be able to keep up my grades and GPA. So, rather than kill myself trying to get the grades, and then beat myself up if I didn't make them, I took a break from it all to focus on me and my family. Best decision I could have made; and I learned a lot from it.
Besides it giving me the time and space I desperately needed to reflect on what I was creating and inspiring and seeing the things I needed to change outwardly, I saw so much within that I deserved to change. Self-care is something we talk a lot about in the social sciences, particularly if you go into a profession like social work or therapy. But I never really understood what to do or how to do it. I would go through some of the motions without it having much effect while in school, and just couldn't seem to "get it". I thought there must be a secret formula, a series of specific steps that everyone had selfishly refused to share. And that whole "letting go" thing was a load of crap.
I used my hobbies as a means to escape. It was a way to give me something else to direct my energies at while my mind kept spinning around the problems that were causing me so much stress. Thus, while I have many tatted pieces to show for all my effort, I wasn't getting any relief from the chaos. There was very little that could get me out of my head. Any respite to be had was always too short to help me feel much better, and I'd go back to being severely stressed in a very short amount of time. Escape isn't the same thing as coping.
Well, I can finally say I'm starting to get it now. No, there
really aren't secret steps to take. Letting go isn't the same thing as
pushing it aside, or stuffing it down. Escaping only solves the problem for about five seconds before reality comes crashing back in. Coping is about something else
altogether. Inner peace. The kind that lasts.
I used to think I should only take 'me' time when two things happened: I was extremely stressed and I had the time to take. Talk about waiting for the stars to align! Trying to wait for the time to take when under a lot of pressure is like waiting for salad shrimp to grow into jumbo shrimp. It's never going to happen! It's a lie we tell ourselves all the time, that this magic moment when we can take a minute for ourselves will show up when we need it and until then we have to just keep plugging along. Not only is it self-destructive and harmful to ourselves, it's detrimental to those around us as well.
Self-care has taken on new meaning to me. Now, it means when I need to take a hot bath to relax my muscles and my mind, I take it--even if it's supposed to be the girls' night for baths. The girls aren't going to get horribly sick by waiting one more day. My husband doesn't hold that half hour against me, and I really do feel better afterward. Not necessarily because I took a bath, but because I did something for me. When it's the end of the day, and I just can't take another minute of the kids screaming, I allow myself a "time out", grab my book and go read outside in the setting sun for as long as I need to. Yes, I'm being a little selfish here. Believe it or not, it's a good thing!
Here's the most important part, the part everyone should learn and apply to their own lives (cause let's be honest, not everyone likes to be outside, not everyone likes to read, and if you're my husband you really hate both so it would be more like torture than self-care). Take the time before you need the time. Don't wait for the starts to align. Don't wait until you're ready to snap. Don't wait until you are past desperate and hanging on to your sanity by a thread. Take the time NOW! Do something small right now! It's ok! Everything will still be here when you get back! Love yourself enough to spend some time just for you so that you can spend the other time in your day focused on the other things you love. Give yourself permission to take care of you!
Since I've learned this incredible lesson, my tolerance for stress has gone down while at the same time gone up. I know, it sounds like the shrimp thing again. But here's the reality. I'm dealing with less stress every day by choice. And that's empowering beyond words. I've set the bar low--at least compared to where it was--and I'm no longer being overwhelmed by something as simple as what to make for dinner. Before, that simple thought could bring me to tears. So, my tolerance for stress has gone down in that what I tolerate before taking 'me' time has gone down, significantly.
But here's the other side of that coin: my life is still chaos. My baby is teething, and not taking it anywhere near as well as my other two did. My husband changed jobs back at the beginning of the year, and while not much has changed with that, we still haven't found just the right groove, yet. Though it feels like we're finally getting there. My second child started school for the first time this week, and adjusting to the new schedule still means setting an alarm so I don't forget to pick her up on time. On top of potentially moving, though hopefully not too far. But even that is still up in the air, which the uncertainty drives me nuts and stresses me out. I could keep going, but I think you get the point. My life hasn't gotten much easier, though the stress triggers have changed a bit. But I'm not being overwhelmed by it now. My overall tolerance, the amount I can deal with when necessary, has gone up! All because I tolerate less.
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