The Great Christmas Tree Debate

I have heard a lot of debate over a real Christmas tree verses a fake one. So here is my two cents.

I love the smell of a real tree. But I hate the clean up, the water that always gets spilled, and the needles that fall off before Christmas even arrives creating more for me to vacuum. Plus, the time it takes to wrap, and then unwrap, the lights takes forever. And if it's not taking forever, the tree just doesn't look as good.

A fake tree, on the other hand, you can get pre-lit, "needle" loss is minimal, and you don't have to worry about the water. Bonus, it's much cheaper to buy a fake tree (especially if you wait until the day after Christmas) once, instead of a real one every year. Huge downside, though, is the lack of smell. And we always remember the smells of the holidays just as much, if not more than, everything else.

So, here is my solution: Buy the fake tree. The day after Christmas everything goes on sale to around 50% off at most stores. So if you want to spend about the same amount for a fake tree as what you pay for a real one, the day after Christmas is the time to do it. Fake trees are just so much easier; and really, the holidays cause enough stress as we're running around trying to find that perfect gift, attending all of the parties and events, etc.

For that wonderful, piney smell go visit your nearest tree lot, take a couple of dollars with you, and ask them for some of their cuttings. They'll give them to you for free. The money is for a tip so they'll continue to give us the clippings for free.

You can use the clippings in all kinds of ways to both decorate and "smell up" your home. I put mine in a pretty basket and add pine cones and fake berries. I also put a large bundle of clippings in a box, poke a bunch of holes all over it, and leave it under the tree. It only takes 5 minutes to make both and the clean up is so easy! Just grab the box and toss it in the trash. One good vacuuming after everything is taken down is all you need. Plus, no sap on the carpet! Bonus!!! Another tip, if you leave the box in the path of the heater, the air flow from the furnace will help circulate the aromas from the clippings. However, leave plenty of distance so you don't create a fire hazard!!! The box doesn't need heat, just air flow!!!

You could make a wreath--just tie all of the clippings together with some brown twine, and put something cute in the center like a light-up Santa face. Or make a "table wreath" and put faux candles in the center. Just make sure to put down a cloth of some kind if you're worried about scratches, and help make clean-up a breeze. (Take the whole thing--table cloth and wreath--out to the trash in a bundle. Open it up and give it a quick shake into the dumpster, and you're done!)

If you find yourself with a lot of extra time, you can make a garland and hang it wherever you'd like. Every year, you can try something new, or stick with just the box under the tree--whatever is best for you. Maybe you're not sure if you'll have time, and that's ok. Just make sure you get LOTS of clippings when you go to the tree lot! You'd be surprised how much clippings you'll need for a seemingly small project. And you can do all of these 5 minute projects for just a couple of dollars! (Just be sure to not throw away the faux candles and berries so you can use them again next year! Lol!)

So, save yourself some time and money while reducing stress by buying a pre-lit fake tree. Save time at the tree lot by not spending hours each year picking out the 'perfect tree' when you can just get clippings. You're in and out in about 5 minutes. You can spend all that time you saved doing whatever else needs to be done--like trips to the post office. And if you're feeling adventurous, add a new center piece to your table while you're at it. You will still spend less time adding a simple center piece each year than it takes to set up and take down a real tree. You really can have the best of both worlds in your Christmas tree!!!

Happy Holidays!!!

Missing the point

I seem to be missing the point of things lately. Life has gotten crazy and complicated. Just last night, my husband asked me if I felt things were more complicated than when we were dating. My answered was unequivocally 'yes'.

Now, some of those "complications" are absolutely adorable in their little back-packs and pony-tails. One of our biggest complications comes in a very tiny package. But having a little someone waking you up multiple times a night definitely complicates life a bit. It makes waking up for work harder. It turns something fun, like making dinner, into a chore. I love to try new recipes frequently, and I try to make as much from scratch as reasonably feasible. But when you lack energy, what is feasible is reduced to boxes more often than I'd like.

But our kids aren't the only thing making life more challenging lately. Trying to make enough money to live comfortably is certainly challenging for a lot of people right now. We're just like everyone else scrimping on the fun things just to get by. I started school just to create new options for our family somewhere down the road. I took a break for the birth of our third child, and I'm supposed to start back this January. But truth is I don't want to. I'd much rather take a little more time with my baby before the chaos of school takes over my life again.

My husband is working on starting up a business. That's been a very difficult, very expensive (for us), and very time consuming project. There have been times I've wondered if this thing is ever going to get off the ground. Starting a business certainly makes life more complicated.

But all of these complications are good, right? I certainly wouldn't trade my beautiful children for a little less stress (which would probably be in my life anyway, just in a different form). I want to get my degree and find some way to contribute to a better world that I find fulfilling and rewarding and, with any luck, lucrative. So the complications that school brings with it will pay off . . . eventually. Owning our own business will be a great source of income, hopefully, that could provide new opportunities for our family.

The question comes down to this: are we sacrificing too much? Are we letting things get too complicated and losing the balance between sacrifice and reward? Are we getting caught up in a "keeping-up-with-the-Joneses" type of mentality just because we want to take vacations to Disneyland and put our kids through music and dance lessons?

Maybe we are. Maybe we're not. It's not like there is a definite line drawn in the sand somewhere. Just because something works for one person doesn't make it a universal truth, either. So when someone starts going off about all they accomplished with small children, I just want to scream. So how is a person to tell when life has gotten out of balance? How are we to know when things have gotten too complicate, and where we get to cut back?

Priorities come up a lot in this type of discussion. Making sure you're taking care of the important things before they become urgent, and ignoring the unimportant things no matter how urgent they seem. There is always a trade-off to be made. Blah, blah, blah. The reality of it is it's much harder to figure this all out than that. So, while I'm sitting here, typing away for the sake of easing my own mind and heart, I keep hoping for some miracle answer to come my way. I keep hoping for something new to suddenly make its appearance. Am I missing the point? Is that why the answers are so elusive?

Smiles

I woke up this morning so full of joy! I don't have any one particular thing to point to for this, I just am.

Now, before you all going thinking that I'm one of those braggers who only blogs to brag, let me tell you the reality of my life right now. I just had a baby, and if any of you have ever had a baby while on COBRA, you know how much it DOESN'T help. Plus, last year my husband had surgery, for which we just finished paying those bills last month. On top of that, my husband started a new job so his pay is at the bottom of what this company offers right now (I'm sure he'll get a raise or promoted quickly), and he works the weekend shifts for the pay differential. My older kids aren't with me every weekend, but that can be a blessing (date night!) which I have to remind myself of sometimes. And my baby, who is already a screamer, is teething with two new ones cutting right now! I couldn't tell you the last time I got any real amount of sleep with any amount of accuracy, but I think it was about a month ago. And all of her screaming has triggered more than one migraine in the last month. I'm talking the kind of migraine that takes two days to recover from. And this is just the beginning. I could go on, but that's not the point of this post.

We all have things we are dealing with. We all have challenges, struggles, and hopefully a few triumphs. Life isn't really easy for anyone. Even those you think have it oh-so-easy probably don't. Their challenges just look different than yours or mine. So how is it I woke up so darn happy this morning?

To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what has put me in such a good mood this morning. It could be the great snippet I read on a social media site today about a military man who was running a 5k coming in dead last for his age group. Why would that make me happy? Because he was dead last because a little 9 year old boy asked him to run with him after being separated from his group, and this wonderful man did! That man, Lance Cpl. Kerr, is a hero. You can read the snippet here: http://www.cbs6albany.com/template/cgi-bin/archived.pl?type=basic&file=/news/features/top-story/stories/archive/2013/08/dsfsu3O1.xml#.UkhGWD_p8ac

Or maybe it's the thought of my husband telling me how much he wanted to snuggle up with me on the couch and watch a movie yesterday--our stay-date. But instead, he sweetly put his shoes back on and together we helped a friend move. We came home, and went straight to bed. . .which was still a sweet end to my day. I love falling asleep with his arm around me.

It could be I'm so happy this morning because last night, 'Amber' grabbed my finger and put it in her mouth. Normally, when she puts anything in her mouth she immediately starts biting or sucking on it. But she just held my finger there and gave me this look as if to say, "Come on, Mom. Figure it out." So I started running my finger around her gums where I discovered she's cutting another tooth! Once I found it, she pulled my finger back out of her mouth and gave me a grin. I double checked this morning, and she has two teeth that are coming in side-by-side. (Hopefully, some of her screaming will subside now that these teeth have cut!)

Or maybe, I'm just happy because the sun is shining. I really do love the sunshine! And I love Autumn. So today is the perfect day!

What's my point in all of this? Happiness is a choice. Happiness is what we make it. And I'm not just talking about "deciding" to be happy despite of all the crap out there. I'm talking about making the choices that will making living a happy life a reality. That's the part people tend to gloss over. If you want to be happy, you have to make the kinds of choices that facilitate it! Simple things like spending less than you make every month, which I know can be hard, really does make life just a little more bearable when those bills show up in the mail. Or planning date night for those nights that the kids are gone anyway. Find the positive and focus on it!

I don't watch the news because it makes me want to cry, buy a shotgun with plenty of ammo, and never leave my house! That's no way to live! Not to mention, if we all focused on the good, and lifted up those around us so that they might do the same, we wouldn't need those shotguns!

Now, I know there aren't many people who read this. Most of these posts are like a public journal, and hopefully a reminder of all the things I deserve to remember. So, future self and anyone else reading this, today I challenge you to create happiness. Create it in yourself. Create it in the world. And steer clear of the negative messages, both in the world and in your head. Be the powerful creator you were meant to be. Lift yourself up, and lift up others. Seek only the good. Create a little sunshine today.

I love you.

It's finished!

I finally finished my cabled tunic! (Actually, I finished it a little while ago but it's taken me a little while to find the time to blog.)

It seems so silly to me to have a big, bulky sweater with cap sleeves! It's cute, to be sure, but rather impractical. So, I'm working on designing some matching gloves that I can just slip on when I need them. I figure, over half the time that I'm wearing a long sleeved shirt/sweater I'm pushing up the sleeves anyway. However, this pattern is made with a pretty heavy yarn (#5 bulky/chunky) so I'm only likely to wear it when those sleeves are somewhat necessary. But having super-long gloves (opera length, I think it's called) would really be the best of both worlds. I'll have something to cover my arms when I need it, and be able to take them off when I don't.

Another downside to this sweater is that it adds a lot of bulk. I'm not a super slim woman to begin with, so to wear something that creates even more bulk makes me feel rather fat. There's just no other word for it.

While I know body issues are common among women, and so long as I'm healthy the rest shouldn't really matter, the fact is I still care. I'm still self-conscious about my weight and size. After 'Amber' was born, I had been doing really well with keeping up my workout routine--mostly Tai Chi with a little yoga. And I had been counting calories, finding myself often hitting under my daily limit even when not trying to limit myself. I was losing weight! In fact, I lost about 10lbs in about a month. The weight was coming off so easily that I stopped counting calories. And then school started up for the older two, and I found it harder and harder to get my workout done everyday.

It's been almost a month now since I was working out regularly, and two months since I tracked calories consistently. I blame the weather turning cold--rather quickly, I might add--for the sudden insatiable hunger. I'm quite literally always hungry. But I don't seem to be burning as many calories as I had been before either. Thus, I've gained back a few pounds. Not many. But when I put on the sweater, I felt like I had just gained 20. Not cool.

So, I guess it's time to get back on the band wagon. It's not that I eat bad food (very often), I just have been eating more than I need. Portion control is the hardest part of sensible eating--especially when what you're eating tastes amazing, and you know it's healthy and low in fat and all that! Plus, now that 'Amber' takes a longer nap most mornings, I can really start to get into a routine again, I hope. (Fingers crossed!) My massage therapist (who has solved my migraines!) recommended the Insanity workout. It certainly lives up to its name! But I'm so ready for those kinds of results! I could be looking so good by Thanksgiving, and be looking really great in time for Christmas pictures with my family!

Turns out, a sweater can be quite the motivation!

Gratitude

How often do we forget to be grateful, and to express that gratitude in our everyday lives? How often do we forget to thank God, or the universe, for the abundance we enjoy? How many of us forget to teach this 'attitude of gratitude' to our children?

I've begun to focus on the first two, and feel pretty good about it. But I realized this morning that I've woefully forgotten to teach this to my kids! Sure, they're pretty good about saying please and thank-you. But I've forgotten to teach them the bigger picture. So, to set a good example to my kids, I'd like to take a moment to say thanks.

Thank you to God for the amazing life I lead. It's become blissfully ordinary in recent years; and if you've ever lived a non-ordinary life, you know just what a blessing it is to have an ordinary one. Thank you to Him for sending me my fantastic husband who challenges me, inspires me, and dreams even bigger than I do. Someone who makes me laugh no matter how mad at him I might be (it may not be "fair", but it sure does put an end to the argument), or how sad I am (gotta say, you can't wallow when laughing)! Someone to hold my hand and walk with me through this life.

Thank you to Him for my wonderful kids! They're a whole new kind of challenge! They show me who I am, often reflecting back to me the things about myself that I get to work on. They are little mirrors, and yet their own person. It's been an awe-filled journey to be their mother. And yes, sometimes I still stop and think to myself, "Who are these little people and why are they calling me 'Mom'?"

I also thank God for the other gifts he has given me: nimble fingers with which I can create cute clothes and lace, dinner for my family, and loving arms to wrap around my little ones and spouse. Thanks for the food on my table, and warm house we live in. It's all possible because of Him. (And my dear husband who works so hard to provide for us!)

And thank you to all of my family and friends who have stood beside me, through the good and the bad. Thank you for being there and loving me through the crazy.

Well, I'm off to finish seaming the sweater I've been working on (finally!), and should have pictures tomorrow. I hope. After I finish the seaming I get to add the collar and cap sleeves, but that really shouldn't take me very long. TTFN!

"God is in the Rain"

This is my favorite quote from the movie "V for Vendetta". And while the author of this line may have had a very different interpretation of its meaning, I have come to understand this statement in a new light very recently.

The last post I wrote was really about shame shrouded in modesty. In it, I mentioned that those girls who dress immodestly are the often the ones who suffered a lot of shaming at some point, and I touched on the fact that shaming can be about a number of things--not just clothing.

Well, that very same night as my last blog post I faced one of my shameful demons. I can't/won't get into the details because it involves others. But I felt that burning shame the same as I did all throughout my youth. I felt guilt at my inability to act since I was home with my babies, trying to get them all to sleep. I felt myself sliding into the abyss called despair and I felt powerless to stop it.

My husband asked me what was going on. I tried to find that calm place inside myself as I explained it. But tears came to my eyes; and once I started crying, I couldn't stop. I was horribly embarrassed to tell him what was going on. I had been dumped by guys in the past for less; the pain of which came rushing back, compounding the feelings of shame.

In the five years my husband and I have been married, he's always been a prince. He's never judged me for circumstances beyond my control. He's always seen the best in me, even when I couldn't see it myself. But that didn't change the shame I felt--not in intensity, or extent. I wanted to crawl into a hole. But before I could, he wrapped me in his arms and told me he loved me. Those three little words changed so much.

In those three little words more meaning than I can adequately express began to chase away the darkness. Of course, the only one who can banish that darkness forever is me. I know this. I thought I had been doing a pretty good job of it up until the other night. But there were some things I hadn't let go of yet that I wasn't aware of. In truth, I think the universe decided to test my resolve to overcome my lifetime (up to this point) of shame. God sent me my husband--this I know beyond a shadow of a doubt. God sent me a saint to help me through this life; one who is patient, and kind. One who tries his best to be understanding and supportive, and is never judgmental of me. Someone who still loves me. 

You see, the other night it was raining. God was there. He sent me my husband, made him observant at that moment in time, and I felt their love. Never have I experienced anything so healing in all my life. 

“Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain.”--Vivian Greene

This isn't about life giving you lemons and all of that. It's about finding the strength to never give up. God is in the rain, because that's when we need him most. He's there, waiting to wash away the hurt and help us grow. With the help of his angels, people who touch our lives along the way, miracles happen. My husband is my angel. His love is my miracle.

Another discussion in Modesty--and shame

Ok, so my last post on this topic was rather a rant about my dissatisfaction regarding the current discourse about modesty, and our society's desperate need to change the way we talk to our children about such things. This is a topic that I'm so upset with the current state of things that I often find it difficult to talk about calmly at all. (Hence the rant.) Well, the subject has come around again (and again, and again) all around Facebook and other social media sites with all new blog links, but the same nauseating undertones and subtexts. Well, I'm happy to say I've found one that got it 'right'! One where the author doesn't take away anyone's responsibility in the matter, and doesn't shame girls either. Interestingly enough, this post was in response to another currently popular blog post from another mom.  You can read the first "letter" here: http://givenbreath.com/2013/09/03/fyi-if-youre-a-teenage-girl/ , and the response here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/beth-woolsey/dear-mrs-hall-regarding-your-fyi-if-youre-a-teenage-girl_b_3894501.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

I'm not going to take the time to go into all of the details, but here's a quick synopsis in case you don't have time to read them both yourself. The first is a letter by a mom, Mrs. Hall, who has teenage boys to all of their female, teenage friends. In it, she tells them that it's not ok to be overtly sexual in "selfies" and videos, and that if those kinds of things come through on her sons' newsfeeds, those girls will be blocked. No exceptions and no second chances.

The second post, the response by another mother with both a teenage daughter and a teenage son was what I wish I had the words to say. She graciously acknowledges Mrs. Hall intentions to protect her sons, and to show a presence in their lives--both online and off. She then goes on to say that 1: it's not ok to deny a man the chance to learn beyond the initial reaction to a picture as if they'll never be able to think of a woman in a non-sexual way once that thought has entered their mind, and 2: this letter/mindset "shifts an unreasonable burden of responsibility to young women for ensuring men don't view them sexually." KUDOS to YOU, Beth!!!!! She goes on to address young women, as well. And really, if you have time to read just one, please read this one!!!! It hits the nail right on the head.

But I would also like to add my two cents, just to expound upon what Beth has already written. We live in a culture that shames those who do not conform to a set of standards. That shame becomes so destructive to those who have been shamed, and also to those who do the shaming. But for the purposes of time and space, I'm going to only address those being shamed. Shame is at the root of so many problems from eating disorders, to addiction, to suicide. But the effects of shame also include the smaller things like inappropriate dress and behavior.

Girls are told from so young that they must act a certain way, dress a certain way, and the only thing that matters in the end is popularity. Even those stories and movies about the "nerd girl" are all about her changing her image--even just for a night--into "that girl" who then gains the attention of the prince. Only after she's become "that girl" does he ever notice her. She's not being noticed for her cleverness and he's not falling in love with her because she gets good grades. He sees the clothes and a pretty face and that's all it takes for him to 'fall in love' with her. And that's just Cinderella. There are so many other examples that take this same plot line and mix in sexuality, and before we know it there's another 13 year old girl getting pregnant in the news.

But then, instead of sending these girls more positive messages like the one here: http://putdowntheurinalcake.com/2012/07/you-are-becoming/ we tell these same girls that they're skanky. I know, very few people have actually used that word in their postings, but that's the unspoken message that is sent to these girls, and believe--me they hear it! They don't hear that you're just trying to look out for them so they don't fall victim to the creeps and perverts out there. They hear the shame you're bestowing on them along with your judgements. They read the condemnation between the lines. And they feel the shame. Sometimes that girl will get angry that you would make her feel that way, and brush off what you said, and hopefully that's as far as the damage will go. But chances are, that's just the beginning.

That shame will eat at her until she seeks out someone who will make her feel better about herself again. She'll go looking for positive proof that how she dresses and acts is good and appreciated. And we all know who will give her that kind of attention. (Girls, trust me, you don't want the guy that looks at you when you dress like that. 'Cause at the very least, he'll be looking at every other girl, too. And no way do you need that kind of drama!) Her dress and actions won't change for the better. And those are the lucky ones--the ones who don't get themselves so tangled up in addiction or eating disorders that it kills them, the ones who don't end up prostituting either by 'choice' or by force.

That girl who is dressed up, trying to look her sexy best, snapping "selfies" in the bathroom mirror with that ridiculous duck face (pouty lips), she's desperate for affection, for acceptance. Why? Because she no longer believes she's worthy of love. She no longer believes that real love doesn't hurt, doesn't mean sacrificing self-respect, and doesn't matter one iota about what others think of you. How did she get this way? Because of shame. Because someone, somewhere made her feel ashamed of herself--maybe of where she comes from, or who she comes from. She no longer believes she deserves real love and respect. She'll lie to herself, telling herself she doesn't need anyone's approval, that she doesn't care what others think. But her actions give her away. If you look in her eyes, you'll see the pain she's feebly trying to cover up, trying to hide it away so that can't be used against her too.

How do I know all of this? Because I was one of the lucky ones. I suffered a lot before I learned I was worth so much more than what I was settling for, and tolerating what no one should have to tolerate to be 'accepted'. I know how it feels to be shamed, and to try to pick yourself up day after day knowing no one approves of you because no one really sees you. And I know now why no one could see me, and it really had nothing to do with clothes. But these young girls don't know this yet. And shaming them is NOT going to help them learn it. Only by loving them, and gently reminding them of their true worth will we ever help these girls rise above this debasement and the lies society has been telling them for so long.

One last comment, this time about the messages we send to our boys. No, you should not objectify women--and yes that is incredibly hard to do when your peers are posting those kind of pictures of themselves. But you have the remarkable chance to show her that real men will see the real woman regardless of what she's wearing or the ridiculous posture she's taking. Men of value see the value in others. They see the whole person, not just one small piece. It's easy to see what is right in front of you. But what you discover underneath it all is worth so much more than just discovering what's underneath her towel.

Don't cop out, either, by using the excuse of what she's wearing causing you to think and behave less than nobly. That's saying, "she made me do it!" Honestly, that should have stopped working as an excuse when you were five, and got caught pulling your sister's hair because she made you angry. Don't give in to the temptation to blame others. You're better than that.

My Journey to Becoming a Domestic Goddes: I'm now one of 'those moms'

And don't you know I love it? It just kind of hit me this morning as I was walking 'Jane' to school with 'Amber' in the stroller. I passed so many moms doing the exact same thing! lol. I don't know how I would have felt about this a few years ago. Truth be told, I never really felt like I fit in around here. I was never the type to really try. But here I am, doing what I want to do without the influence of outside forces, and I find myself suddenly "there".

Life is so often compared to road trips that it's becoming cliche. There is a saying that goes something like, "If you don't know where you're going, it doesn't matter where you end up." Life is like that in so many ways. But, even if you don't have a clear road map, or step-by-step goals, you can still get to where you're going in life--unlike a road trip. (Can you just imagine trying to get across the country with no more thought than "I'd like to go to the beach today. . ."?) But at the same time, if you have too vague an idea you'll still never get to where you want to go. I think that's how we can define the difference between knowing where you want to go, and maybe just knowing where you don't want to go.

I'm living proof. I didn't set out to 'fit-in' with the soccer moms, the triathlete moms, or even the Born Organized moms. And I probably never really will. But today was a sort of vindication that I must be doing something right! My kids may not ever want so many extra-circulars, and I'm not going to force them. I hate exercise and only do what I need to be healthy, so triathlons are out. And no one would ever mistakenly call me a Born Organized person. But walking my kids to school today, with all of those other moms felt so right. Not because I'm trying to gain membership into some exclusive club. It's because I felt I had reached a small, tangible milestone I could set my marker by. Something to indicate I'm on the right path, headed in the direction I want to go, and doing something "right" even if it's the only thing I do get right today.

My journey is far from over--not that it really will ever end. But that's what makes it so wonderful-- this gift called life. There isn't a set point that it becomes too late to change course. And while I might have figured out a few parenting "secrets" sooner than some, that doesn't mean I don't make mistakes or that it's too late for anyone else. My biggest struggles lie elsewhere. But I'm working on those too. So while I'm kind of starting from little more than scratch in the parenting department, all I can say to you is that you will spend time where your heart truly is. And if you spend your time trying to get better at parenting, look for the little things along the way.

Grateful for the Rain--Mostly

This last weekend, my area got a bit more rain than usual. Ok, a lot more. The canyon just up from my house had a 30 foot landslide, blocking traffic on both sides. Our local mall was under so much water some people got stranded. And my friend's house was flooded to the point of having to call out a disaster clean-up crew to come help.

At my house, on the other hand, while we still got wet we didn't flood. Baby 'Amber' really doesn't like thunder. And 'Jane' doesn't like lightening. Apparently 'Alex' told her the lightening would strike the house and break it. I explained the lightening would strike one of the large, mature trees surrounding our house before it struck the house itself--to which she responded by getting very upset that the trees would get hurt.

Today, the sun is finally making an appearance. It's shaping up to be a beautiful day! All the extra water is making my lawn look fantastic too, so we might just have to celebrate with a picnic dinner in the backyard tonight. But, for as much as I love the sun, and I'm so grateful my friends are going to be out of danger (my husband too when he goes to work) the rain was such a blessing.

Besides the fact this year was a nasty drought year (up to this point--now, I don't know if we still qualify to call it such), and the rain was much needed, I managed to get a fair bit done on my next knitting project! Yes, I started another project without finishing any of the others I had been working on. That shouldn't be surprising.

The pattern, and full picture of what it will look like can be seen here. http://www.interweavestore.com/roam-tunic It's made using chunky/bulky yarn, and with the chill in the air over the weekend, this was the perfect project! So far, I'm about halfway done with the back panel. I saw this pattern and fell in love with it. The only thing I don't like, though, is that it's big and thick and long--how I like my sweaters--but it only has little cap sleeves. While the overall effect is beautiful, I think I'd prefer to have warm arms. So, I'm tinkering with a few ideas to add some longer sleeves that I think will look great. But if I'm going to add sleeves, I'm going to have to go back to the yarn shop since I didn't buy yarn beyond what the pattern calls for.

Also, since I spent so much time knitting this weekend, the girls have renewed their interest in learning how to knit! I love it! 'Alex' is having too much fun with the long-tail cast on to want to move on to the actual knitting. I cast on for 'Jane' after she struggled for a couple of hours even with help. She was so excited about finally getting all of her cast-on stitches last night that she informed me she was going to work on her knitting in the morning if she had time before school.

Well, this morning she got up an hour early just to be sure she could work on it. She completed her first row of what will eventually be a scarf. And still had more than enough time to get ready for school. *Note: I made her eat breakfast and get dressed before I let her touch the needles. Otherwise, there is a strong likelihood she would have been late for school.

I'm feeling so blessed this morning! Beautiful, smart kids who love to learn. A nice, dry house that was just chilly enough to work on a thick sweater--and the materials to do so! And a lush green lawn, too! Life just doesn't get any better. May you be as blessed today, whatever comes your way.

The things we learn

I feel like maybe I should apologize for this blog becoming another generic, SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) blog. Lately, the things that have been on my mind are all of the same as many of the other SAHM bloggers, from wanting to be a better mom and spouse, to desperately trying to find a little "me" time in all the crazy running around we have to do. But I can't seem to help myself.

One of my goals is to write a book. I have several ideas kicking around in my head. To support myself in this, I made a little goal to write a blog post every day to get myself in the habit of writing even just a little bit every day. While I haven't written a word in any of the stories so far, I am finding that something seems to be missing from my day if I haven't managed to get a blog post up. That's progress, right?

However, that means I haven't had much time lately for tatting/knitting/crocheting/etc. We've been so busy around here running from point A to point B that we're not even going to be able to make it to the amusement park this year, despite having already purchased the tickets. Luckily, we were able to sell the tickets, so we're not out all that money. But now I have to break it to the girls. So, please forgive me for the lack of anything exciting or even remotely like what you may have been expecting. One of these days I'll manage to get back to lace.

I've been thinking a lot this morning about life's journey and wasted time. My uncle commented the other day about how much time he felt he wasted in his youth. He had learned so much about life since then, but still pauses every now and then when little reminders pop up that he could have led a much different life.

Coincidentally, my husband and I had a very similar conversation last week. For my husband and I, this is our second go-around. My husband was lamenting his first marriage, but I couldn't bring myself to do the same. (Full disclosure, I didn't marry my ex, but even research supports that a break up of our magnitude impacts us the same as a divorce.)

See, here's the thing. My uncle, my husband, and I all learned very important life lessons. I can not stress enough just how important these life lessons are! They are a little bit different for each of us, but at the same time, they're incredibly similar. (And I hope my uncle will forgive the liberty of assumption I'm about to take here. I base these assumptions on comments he's made, but I'm taking it just a step further than what he's actually said.) The details of each of our lessons are different, but we each learned about self-worth and happiness. We learned that we deserve to be loved by the person we love. We learned that we deserve to be treated right and respected for who we are, not what we are. That we are more than our prescribed gender role or labels!

Yes, I still look back at the time I 'wasted' and almost wish I could undo all of the stupid decisions I made. And yes, they were very stupid. But I learned so much about myself, what I'm really worth, and what just isn't worth it. I've learned to embrace my self-worth and wear it as a badge of honor. I'm not vain or ostentatious for doing so. I'm still fairly humble in my thoughts and attitude, and the way I approach life, though a little more outspoken than I used to be. I don't want a huge house, super fancy car, or hideous clothes all because they came from some designer label. But being humble doesn't mean suffering in silence.

I deserve to have a say in my life. I deserve to have my voice heard, just like everyone else. I can't quite bring myself to regret that time i had with my ex because I'm so much stronger BECAUSE of that time and the pain I went through, not in spite of it. I am the person I am today because of those experiences. Up until that point of realization that I really am worth more than I had been settling for, I had been told I was worthy and deserving, but I didn't know it. I didn't believe it. But I know it now, and I'm so grateful for this knowledge. Just knowing this has opened up so many doors for me, and has led me to my wonderful husband. It has allowed me to challenge myself to become even better, to pursue things I was previously holding myself back from pursuing. I know who I am now, far better than I can picture knowing myself through any other means.

So you see, in the end the pain was a blessing. It was a trial by fire, certainly. But that fire is something I can be grateful for. That fire, when on the outside, burned and hurt. But now, I have that fire within and rather than allowing it to hurt me or those around me, I use it for good--to better myself and my family. I use that fire to drive me along my journey called life.

New Projects!!!

As if I didn't have enough projects in various stages of completion (at last count, I think I had nine. And that was just a couple of weeks ago) I have just added four more!

Ok, so here's why it's not as insane as it sounds. My local yarn shop, Heinselmann's, is having their annual "Make it with Wool" sale. ALL of their yarns with any wool/silk content is on sale. How could I resist a sale like that? And of course, they put these yarns on sale just in time to start all of my cold weather projects. Likewise, in the spring, they put cotton blend yarns on sale for warm weather projects. I love this store! So, while trying to stay within some sort of budget, I went yarn shopping for some of the projects on my to-do list. Amazingly, I managed to stay under my budget (but over my husband's budget for me ;) ) and got enough for four projects on my ever-expanding list!

This will create two shawls and two sweaters! I'm so excited, I can hardly wait to get started! However, there are a few things I have to do first--like Christmas presents. It's so hard to work on things that have a deadline when there are other things vying for attention. Almost sounds like I need a game plan!

In the past, I have done things to keep my on track with things like Christmas presents when I was making a whole bunch of the same thing. When I've done snowflakes in the past, I made about 50 of the same snowflake for family and friends, and that can get a little monotonous. So, to keep myself moving forward I'd make little incentives for myself usually in the form of allowing myself time with another project, or taking a break to read a book over the course of a day or two.

Last Christmas, I made something a little different for each person. I made jewelry items, and only had repeats for my sisters, who each got the same earrings; and all the men got tie tacks/lapel pins since men are so hard to make anything for with tatting. (And you thought shopping for them was tough! lol) I found it was so much easier to stay focused on the overall project because it was like having a bunch of mini-projects!

However, I've had a few requests for something unisex this year, like the snowflakes I've done in the past. And while it's kind of a relief to not have to try to come up with something for the men, it means I'm back to making at least 25 of the exact same thing. If I tried to make a couple of different ones, I know I'd quickly lose track of who I gave which snowflake to, and people would end up getting repeats. It's much better to give everyone the same snowflake, and change up which snowflake I make each year, don't you think?

So, while I'm working on Christmas presents this year, I also get to continue in my everyday duties (My husband gets lovingly grumpy when I let the house get away from me) and try to find the time to make some of my new projects as well as finish old projects. To make matters worse, I just got my bobbins!!!

No, not the kind for sewing. I mean the bobbins for bobbin lace! (Try a google image search if you don't know what I'm talking about. But do yourself a favor and stop there or you'll be swimming in all the different types of bobbin lace.) I'm so excited! They were given to me as an early birthday present! I still need to collect some of the other hardward, like a pillow and a pricker. And lots, and lot, and lots of pins--the kind with the nearly-non-existent heads. Plus, I still need to purchase the book that will teach me what I need to know beyond the cloth stitch. Apparently, there's a bit of math involved. Who knew? (My husband calls the bobbins Barbie canoe paddles.) So now I'm anxious to get the rest of the supplies so I can really get into learning bobbin lace!

While it's not entirely clear when tatting developed, and it shares some characteristics with ancient Egyptian macrame, tatting as we know it today didn't come around until about the 17th century. Bobbin lace, on the other hand, was made popular in the 16th century--largely thanks to royals all around Europe who had it added to their clothing. Because of the royals taking a fancy to lace, lace became the height of fashion and anyone who could afford to purchase it did. Anyone who couldn't afford to purchase it, instead, made it. And each little cluster of lacemakers eventually developed unique characteristics in their production. I still can't tell every different type of lace apart from all of the others, but there are a few that are very unique (either in technique or overall appearance), and I do have a few favorites emerging. I'm so excited to learn more about the different styles and techniques as I learn this wonderful new/old craft.

But you see what I mean about my attention and too many projects! Haha. I love what I do, all the different things included. I'm definitely going to have to come up with some strategies to keep me on track to getting all of the Christmas presents done this year! Then again, maybe I might learn bobbin lace fast enough to give something made from this wonderful technique for Christmas this year. Oh, the possibilities! However, it would probalby be wiser to go with what I know for now and see what happens next year. Ooh. . . too many possibilities! Ok, now I'm just rambling.

As you can tell, it's never dull (at least to me) in the Light house!

Haven't posted much lace

I haven't posted much about lace lately, save for the little butterfly edging. Things have been so busy around here! With the kids starting school, and all of the adjustments to the new schedules, gardening, plus all of my husband's activities, there just hasn't been a lot of free time for anyone around here.

However, after I get the 1 1/2 bushels of peaches sorted (ripe from unripe) I'm heading down to my favorite yarn shop. They're having their annual wool sale, and boy do I have a lot of projects I'd love to make with wool! It's the start of the sale, so I'm hoping not a lot of people have already been in and bought out the best colors and fibers. I'm so excited, I can't wait to get out the door. But the store doesn't open for another two hours, and I have another hour before Jane heads to school. So, I'm kind stuck for the time being. I think I'm going to take this time to go through all of the projects in cue, pick out my top picks, and make a note of the weight and yardage of yarn I'll need for each one. But picking just my tops picks is going to be hard!!!  :-)

So, before I dash off to take care of peaches, babies, and projects, I wanted to share a thought for the day. "When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say 'I used everything you gave me'."--Erma Bombeck

But it's not enough to simply develop talents and use them; we must to put them to good use. What I mean is that those talents are to be used to help someone, even if it's your own family. Our highest calling in this life is to love and support one another, to serve one another. It's what we call friendship. So, I hope to stand before God at the end of my life and say that I have not a single bit of talent left, for I used it all to serve and show my love.

What I stumble upon--A Discussion in Modesty

More often than not, when I stumble upon something on the internet of a religious or anti-religious nature I tend to ignore it. In fact, I avoid it because the views are too narrow and fail to consider any other perspective, or acknowledge any other 'truth' than the limited version they're telling. These perspectives are 'all-or-nothing', and in the process of listening and accepting these perspectives we lose sight of what's really important. There are too many examples for me to point to them all. But, I've come across a couple of articles--blog posts, really--that have been markedly different. And interestingly enough, they were both about modesty.

The crap that is most prevalent out there surrounding modesty is that women must cover themselves to protect men from seeing them as objects. I could make this entire post a rant about feminism or rape-victim-blaming. I'll try to keep my rant in check by saying just that bottom line, this kind of thinking only spreads disease. The disease of blame-shifting, of belittling women, the very disease that leads to women being treated so badly. This kind of thinking takes responsibility away from men, and places it solely on women's shoulders. Even other women blame the female victim. It is that ingrained in our social psyche. And there really isn't a male to female equivalent, which only furthers sexism. Thus, women are not to be trusted--even amongst ourselves--and somehow deserve to be treated as less than our male counterparts.

What a load of crap!

Any man who loves a woman, be it his wife, daughter, sister, or friend, knows we are not "less than". And yet, even friends I've known for years buy into this horrible lie by accepting that it's the woman's responsibility to dress modestly so the men aren't tempted. They point to studies about the parts of the male brain that are active when seeing a woman in a bikini. (The particular location in the brain that is active is the location associated with identifying objects. But all anyone ever does is read the article and stop there. How many people have continued in the study of the brain? Did you know that the reason you get a queasy feeling anytime you see someone throw up, or maybe even just thinking about it, is because you brain is essentially reliving the last time you did it using what's called mirror neurons? And the parts of the brain you use to kick a ball lit up just now when you read the word kick. I bet that didn't make you hallucinate a ball in front of you, and you didn't just kick into thin air. Yes, there is something somewhat valid to the argument here. But fact of the matter is, while a bikini might make more of men's brains light up the object center, it doesn't do it to all of them, and likewise, a woman could be wearing more than just a bikini and elicit the same response.) As if that alone vindicates men from their bad behavior towards women. Women don't get raped because they were only wearing a bikini.

The real problem here is that we've missed the forest for the trees. Modesty is about a lot more than the clothes we wear. These are among the very few articles I've read that I can really get behind.

www.the-exponent.com/un-sexymodest-or-what-a-pope-can-teach-us-about-modesty/ 

http://natepyle.com/seeing-a-woman/

Why? Because if the root goal is about being seen for who we are, not what we're wearing or what we're driving, we have to teach ourselves and our children to look beyond the material; to see, really see the person before us. We can't do that while shaming that person. We can't do that while judging them. We most certainly can't do that while blaming them. The quickest and easiest way to truly see someone, though not the only way, is to follow God's second law: love thy neighbor as thy self. Why has this gone missing from the collective religious conversation? This basic, simple teaching? If you call yourself Christian, how can you forget this one? It's at the very core of everything! For those of you who aren't Christian, well, the Golden Rule, karma, or whatever serves as your moral compass still applies here. It's part of being a good person.


It's time we stop allowing the conversation to revolve around who is culpable. It's also high time we took the focus for women off of being sexy. There's another topic I could rant for hours about. Girls are taught from such a young age to dress and act sexy. That their value is based on attracting men and garnering popularity. While that was painfully true before the turn of the 20th century, on the whole our culture has been very slow to adopt a more modern view of female value. But I'm going to stop there before I start in on a feminist rant.

Read the posts I linked to. Go back and read them again. Search your feelings, not just the knee-jerk reaction, and learn to see people. If we could all just learn to see one another, we could put an end to conflict--both micro and macro conflicts.

Let us take a page from the pope's book. Let's learn to see our neighbors as friends. Let's serve them, wherever they may be, whenever the opportunity arises. Let us teach our children their value is based on what they bring to the world that makes it a better place; and that it's not based on how many Facebook friends they have. Let's teach the world that human value goes much further than a price tag, whether on clothes, or the person themselves.

Saying Goodbye to Our Moth Friend

For the sake of my children's privacy, I think I'm going to give them pseudonyms. Sometimes, trying to explain things with "my second child told my first child. . ." just gets too wordy. So, from here on out we'll just use pseudonyms. My eldest child will be called Lexi, my second will be called Jane, and my baby we'll call Amber. Don't ask me why I've picked these--I really couldn't say.

So, yesterday we had to say goodbye to our little moth friend who has been in residence here for the last month or so. I found him (or her) as a little caterpillar, and a second one, hanging out in an ear of corn. The girls decided if it was a boy it's name was Gus Gus, and if it was a girl it's name was Lily. And by the markings on them, it looked like one was a boy and one was a girl.

Unfortunately, one of them died. Luckily for me, by the time we realized one was gone, the other was wrapped in it's pupa so we couldn't tell which had survived. There were a lot of tears as the girls learned one was gone; and it was hotly debated which it was. I did my best to explain things to them and try to help them see the positive side. We had managed to keep one alive, and that one was going to turn into a beautiful butterfly (or so we thought).

The surviving caterpillar remained in it's pupa for a couple of weeks. The girls would check on it every few days to make sure it was still in there. I began to worry it might have died as we stretched into the third week. But then, the other night, the pupa seemed to have moved location in the mesh container without anyone having gone near it. Of course, I had no way to know for sure if anyone had touched it, but seeing that gave me hope that the 'butterfly' was still alive and might emerge soon.

Yesterday morning, I went to check on the pupa and couldn't find it. I did find, however, a spot of creamy white on the bottom of the container! I started searching for the little guy, expecting a butterfly and found our beautiful little moth!

I told the girls we could wait for Daddy to get home before we released him. Of course, Jane began having a melt down over that idea. Huge tears welled up in her eyes as she panicked at the thought of having to say goodbye. (This has been common lately. She's even been crying over my sister, who lives a block away, having to go home.) I tried to explain to her that it wasn't fair to keep him when he deserved to be free and belonged outside. I also told her that she had the rest of the day to see him and admire him.

After dinner, it came time to say our goodbyes. Jane started getting teary again. Again, I explained that he needed to be free. I had my hubby grab the camera and we all went outside to wish our little friend farewell. You can't see it in this picture, but he's fuzzy underneath. And his second set of wings has beautiful spots on them. Lexi noticed he has green eyes, the color of new leaves.

As I was holding him, he began vibrating--right about the time this picture was taken. It was almost like a buzzing sensation. He just sat there, humming. Jane wanted to hold him, but as she came near he hopped off my finger and fluttered to my husband's shoe, and then to the grass nearby. He vibrated as he held on to that blade of grass for just a few seconds before leaping into the air, circling us once before flying away. Remarkably, Jane just giggled and called one last goodbye. Lexi, in her matter-of-fact way, just said he was going to be free and fly now.

I'd like to think the lack of tears was a very good sign that Jane is learning how to cope with sad feelings. I've been concerned lately at how very little it takes for her to go into a full melt-down. She's very sensitive and gets attached to things and people quickly and deeply. I want her to understand how to express those emotions in healthy ways; that while it's normal to have these feelings, melt-downs don't help her or the situation. This experience, I think, was good for her.

So, in honor of our little friend, here is a little bit of tatting based on a drawing by Elaine Phyllis Gan. This is my own pattern based on her idea. You can seen little butterflies, or moths ;-) , floating along.

So the next time you see a little cream-colored moth, remember to say hi to Gus Gus and Lily.

Toothfairies, and butterflies, and waffles! Oh, my!

What do these three things have in common? I'm sure you guessed it; all three appeared at my house this morning!

My second child lost her first tooth! She came home from school yesterday super excited to show me how loose her tooth had gotten. So, I touched it to see, and out it popped. She hadn't even realized it was gone until I showed it to her. She had it under her pillow for the toothfairy before one in the afternoon. And since my oldest started the tradition, she left a little letter for the toothfairy along with the tooth. The usual excitement over the visit of the toothfairy was present in our house this morning. Which was soon coupled with excitement over butterflies!!!

We found a couple of caterpillars in the garden a few weeks back. We learned the hard way that some caterpillars are cannibalistic. But the girls had fun watching the surviving caterpillar, and have checked on it every day since it entered its cocoon. This morning we were delighted to see the transformation. We greeted our little moth friend before we even had breakfast. I guess my title is a little misleading; yes, it's a moth not a butterfly. But he's so cute, and fluffy, and has beautiful cream colored wings.

An epic morning deserves an epic breakfast. On today's menu: buttermilk buckwheat banana waffles. Haha, say that five times fast! Ok, to be honest, I made buttermilk buckwheat pancakes the other day and had some left over batter that I needed to use up. I also had a huge bunch of bananas that ripened faster than we could eat them. Thus, I mashed up two of them and added it to the batter and made waffles. I'm not sure if the batter had sat too long, or I added too much banana, or what the deal was but the texture was a little off. They were too soft and floppy, not the wonderful, fluffy confection waffles are supposed to be. While they didn't stick to the waffle iron, I struggled to get them out because of how floppy they were. The next time I try banana waffles, I'm going to try it with fresh batter and see if that makes a difference.

It's only 9:30, and already this morning we've had quite a bit of excitement and my baby is down for her first nap. Thus, I'm off to get in a quick workout before getting as much housework done as possible before she wakes up. We're releasing our little moth friend this afternoon, so come back tomorrow for an update.

One thing is for sure, it's never dull in the Light house!

My Journey to Becoming a Domestic Goddess: Stress--Part 2

In my last post, I talked about learning how to deal with stress. But what about "letting go"? To me, it's long been this mysterious, elusive, unattainable concept. It was something I just couldn't understand. I would push my feelings aside, pretending I was fine. I would stuff my feelings down only to have them boil up later, often triggered by something incredibly small. 

I'm still not the best at letting things go. Only recently have I begun to really understand just what that means and maybe how to do it. Just this week I've been struggling with feeling like I was being attacked or not accepted. I get to find a gentle way of addressing the issues with those involved. Ignoring it only makes things worse. But I don't have to hurt. I don't have to continue on feeling unappreciated, or worse, and I'm not pushing it aside. I'm just not letting it mess with my inner peace and happiness. How? By acknowledging the negative feelings and then searching out that peaceful feeling inside myself. I may need to vent a bit before I can successfully let those feelings go. I'm setting limits to that too.

Getting trapped by the victim mentality can happen to the best of us. Continually crying about slights and circumstances is the quickest way to slide into this pit of despair, taking us away from our ultimate goal of peace and happiness. Not saying anything, on the other hand, when someone has done us wrong only causes us to stuff and bottle everything up until we explode all over those closest to us; and usually they had nothing to do with it.

There is a fine line between venting and playing the victim. I was once told to go ahead and throw a "five second pity party", and then pick myself up and move on. Well, sometimes we need more than five seconds. But rarely do we need more than five minutes. So, that's the time limit for venting on the big things. Five minutes, tops. That's not five minutes per person we vent to. That crosses the line into victim. (Maybe a limit needs to be set on the number of people we vent to as well.) No more than five minutes of your time venting about the hurt. Then, it's time to let go of the hurt. If something needs to be said or done about the situation, wait a day or two until the sting has worn off, and come up with a calm plan of action. Once you've completed your plan-- maybe you needed to talk to someone about how they treated you--stop thinking about it. Our time is too valuable, especially in today's hectic world, to spend any more time on negative things.

My time with my family is too important to me to let other people ruin it. I used to let them too, by holding on to whatever had happened and letting it drag my spirits down. I wasn't able to give my family all of myself because my mind and heart were dwelling on those negative events. My family deserves to have me present with them; to have all of me, not just the leftovers. And they don't deserve to see me upset and angry all the time. That only teaches them negativity.

I want my children to learn to be happy, to be content with what they have, and to be strong, independent people. Learning the patterns of negativity doesn't teach them any of these things. I know, I grew up learning this pattern. Only when we rise above the pettiness shown us by other can our children see what it means to be independent and strong. Letting our children see us be happy despite others trying to tears us down is how they'll learn that internal happiness and not be afraid to pursue their dreams. If they see us not giving in to someone's criticisms, they'll learn their dreams really are worth pursuing and mistakes are a natural part of that--not something to be so afraid of that they never take those steps towards achieving those dreams.

These are just a few of the things I wish I had learned as a kid. How much further would I be in my life right now if I had learned these lessons sooner? But, everything happens in our life at just the right time to serve our highest good, and maybe in service to others. Thus, I share my journey with you, and maybe one day my kids will read this blog and gain insight into all I hope to teach them.

My Journey to Becoming a Domestic Goddess: Stress--Part 1

We've all had those times in our life when things seemed out of control. And I'm sure you know that desperate feeling that comes with it. The hectic dash from one thing to another just trying to control the damage since controlling the situation had gone out the window long ago. We all have to develop coping skills for times like these, but it seems those skills come after the crisis is over. And only if we're very lucky do we remember those lessons when the next wave hits weeks, months, and sometimes years later.

I've never been good at dealing with stress. I didn't have a role model to show me healthy coping techniques growing up, leaving me woefully unprepared for the worst of life's challenges. When I went back to school for my degree in behavioral science, my lack of coping skills became so much more apparent than at any other time in my life.

My emergency c-section with my first child I didn't panic. I didn't hardly bat an eyelash when they told me she was breech and "don't sneeze. We're heading to the OR and she needs to stay in until then." I just nodded my head--all of the sudden the last three days made a lot of sense--and away we rolled. Though truth be told, I didn't handle my other mandatory c-sections with quite so much grace.

But going back to school was a very different story. And the worst part was my family suffered the most. All the stress I was under made me snappy, short-tempered, and a yeller. That's one of those things you never want to become, much less admit to it. But that's what I became: a yeller.

This is the first thing I noticed about myself that set me on this path of becoming the best possible version of myself I could be. I saw it happening, and felt powerless to change course. And I watched as my family began to change. My youngest at the time would shrink away from me. My oldest became very bossy of her only-slightly-younger sister. And my husband began to do the same things I was, which didn't help.

I took a leave of absence a year ago now. I was so sick during the first half of my pregnancy with our third child there was no way I was going to be able to keep up my grades and GPA. So, rather than kill myself trying to get the grades, and then beat myself up if I didn't make them, I took a break from it all to focus on me and my family. Best decision I could have made; and I learned a lot from it.

Besides it giving me the time and space I desperately needed to reflect on what I was creating and inspiring and seeing the things I needed to change outwardly, I saw so much within that I deserved to change. Self-care is something we talk a lot about in the social sciences, particularly if you go into a profession like social work or therapy. But I never really understood what to do or how to do it. I would go through some of the motions without it having much effect while in school, and just couldn't seem to "get it". I thought there must be a secret formula, a series of specific steps that everyone had selfishly refused to share. And that whole "letting go" thing was a load of crap.

I used my hobbies as a means to escape. It was a way to give me something else to direct my energies at while my mind kept spinning around the problems that were causing me so much stress. Thus, while I have many tatted pieces to show for all my effort, I wasn't getting any relief from the chaos. There was very little that could get me out of my head. Any respite to be had was always too short to help me feel much better, and I'd go back to being severely stressed in a very short amount of time. Escape isn't the same thing as coping.

Well, I can finally say I'm starting to get it now. No, there really aren't secret steps to take. Letting go isn't the same thing as pushing it aside, or stuffing it down. Escaping only solves the problem for about five seconds before reality comes crashing back in. Coping is about something else altogether. Inner peace. The kind that lasts.

I used to think I should only take 'me' time when two things happened: I was extremely stressed and I had the time to take. Talk about waiting for the stars to align! Trying to wait for the time to take when under a lot of pressure is like waiting for salad shrimp to grow into jumbo shrimp. It's never going to happen! It's a lie we tell ourselves all the time, that this magic moment when we can take a minute for ourselves will show up when we need it and until then we have to just keep plugging along. Not only is it self-destructive and harmful to ourselves, it's detrimental to those around us as well.

Self-care has taken on new meaning to me. Now, it means when I need to take a hot bath to relax my muscles and my mind, I take it--even if it's supposed to be the girls' night for baths. The girls aren't going to get horribly sick by waiting one more day. My husband doesn't hold that half hour against me, and I really do feel better afterward. Not necessarily because I took a bath, but because I did something for me. When it's the end of the day, and I just can't take another minute of the kids screaming, I allow myself a "time out", grab my book and go read outside in the setting sun for as long as I need to. Yes, I'm being a little selfish here. Believe it or not, it's a good thing!

Here's the most important part, the part everyone should learn and apply to their own lives (cause let's be honest, not everyone likes to be outside, not everyone likes to read, and if you're my husband you really hate both so it would be more like torture than self-care). Take the time before you need the time. Don't wait for the starts to align. Don't wait until you're ready to snap. Don't wait until you are past desperate and hanging on to your sanity by a thread. Take the time NOW! Do something small right now! It's ok! Everything will still be here when you get back! Love yourself enough to spend some time just for you so that you can spend the other time in your day focused on the other things you love. Give yourself permission to take care of you!

Since I've learned this incredible lesson, my tolerance for stress has gone down while at the same time gone up. I know, it sounds like the shrimp thing again. But here's the reality. I'm dealing with less stress every day by choice. And that's empowering beyond words. I've set the bar low--at least compared to where it was--and I'm no longer being overwhelmed by something as simple as what to make for dinner. Before, that simple thought could bring me to tears. So, my tolerance for stress has gone down in that what I tolerate before taking 'me' time has gone down, significantly.

But here's the other side of that coin: my life is still chaos. My baby is teething, and not taking it anywhere near as well as my other two did. My husband changed jobs back at the beginning of the year, and while not much has changed with that, we still haven't found just the right groove, yet. Though it feels like we're finally getting there. My second child started school for the first time this week, and adjusting to the new schedule still means setting an alarm so I don't forget to pick her up on time. On top of potentially moving, though hopefully not too far. But even that is still up in the air, which the uncertainty drives me nuts and stresses me out. I could keep going, but I think you get the point. My life hasn't gotten much easier, though the stress triggers have changed a bit. But I'm not being overwhelmed by it now. My overall tolerance, the amount I can deal with when necessary, has gone up! All because I tolerate less.

My Journey to Becoming a Domestic Goddess: Breakfast

I have a confession. I don't eat breakfast. I haven't for so long, I can't eat too early now without getting sick. That also means I never really developed the skills for making breakfast foods beyond a bowl of cereal. I can make a few of the basics, like bacon (great for cheeseburgers) and hard boiled eggs (for the potato salad to go with said burgers). But when it comes to things like pancakes, mine were never very good.

Then I married my husband, and started getting spoiled. When he was a teen, he got a job working in a diner--the kind that makes breakfast all day. He learned how to make all of those diner-breakfast kind of foods, and put those skills to use for me. Breakfast in bed for Mother's day, or sometimes just because he felt like it. He made breakfast for my family when we were visiting on summer vacation. It's something he's good at and loves to do.

But when I started re-evaluating my parenting skills, I became very unsatisfied with the kids eating cold cereal on a frigid winter morning to then be thrust out of the house to trudge to school. I didn't want to ask my hubby to get up early to make them a hot breakfast, and in the middle of last winter he switched jobs and was working weekday mornings all through training; so all of the sudden, there I was, hugely pregnant, waking up much earlier than I had been to get my oldest up and ready for school. The more she ate cold cereal each morning, the more I would think about my wonderful second mom.

My mom teaches parenting classes (along with divorced parents classes, law classes, and divorce classes) and one of the things she tells her students is to find ways to motivate your kids. We all know how hard it is to get kids out of bed in the morning, especially teenagers. So her tip for motivating them is to make breakfast in the morning. The aromas will draw the kids out of their rooms. And they'll likely get a more well rounded breakfast too. This little tip has always stuck with me, even though my oldest is a natural morning person and rarely has a hard time getting up in the morning. I feel it's important to note that I don't mind the cold cereal every once in a while. It's a good reminder to them of just how wonderful it is to get a hot breakfast. Which brings me back to my lack of breakfast cooking skills.

Over the summer, I've been slowly learning the things I need to know about cooking breakfast foods. I've gotten advice from my husband, and online. And I'm starting to get it all down. My eggs still stick to the pan a bit. But my pancakes, those once dreaded pancakes, now turn out a beautiful golden brown on the outside, and tender in the middle.

Now, my middle child is starting kindergarten. In fact, today is her first day! She's not as much of a morning person, though she does wake up in a good mood when I wake her. This morning, I made pancakes--from scratch! I mixed up the ingredients--wet and dry separately last night, mixed them together this morning as the griddle was heating--and had the kind of breakfast I could be proud of. The best part, the kids loved them! And with all that whole grain goodness, I know they're getting the best possible start to their day.

My house is still a wreck. My laundry needs to be folded. And there are always dishes in my sink. But my kids get a hot, nutritious breakfast, and I didn't even have to get up any earlier to make it. I'm not a perfect mom, but maybe someday I will be. It's all in the journey. 

My journey to becoming a Domestic Goddess: What we teach our children

There are some things that a people were born to do. Ever known someone who seemed born to be a salesman? Or maybe you knew a kid who was always drawing buildings and became an architect?

And then there are those who maybe you couldn't pinpoint what they'd become, but you could always sense they'd be amazing at it! And then there are those who just seemed average in every possible way.

That's me.

I'm average in just about everything I do. That's not to say I'm sub-par. When it comes to things I love, like reading, I'm pretty good at them. But I'm no speed-reader. (No matter how much I might pretend otherwise.) And I'm ok with this fact about myself most of the time.

There are a few things that I love enough, however, to spend extra time becoming the best I possibly can be. Like lacemaking. We all know I've got my fingers in at least half a dozen different projects, all in various states of completion, all the time. (Current projects include a crochet-lace tablecloth, a tatted table runner, a knitted vest with a lace section in the middle, a little tatted piece based on someone else's concept that I'm working out the stitches for, a crochet piece to add to my daughter's swimsuit to make it a little less ugly and a lot more modest, and a project that is destined to become a Christmas present. Of course, there may be more. This is just what I can think of off the top of my head.)

But there has always been one thing that I wanted to be the best at--one thing that I love so much I have spent countless hours trying to improve myself.

Being Mom.

Since the birth of my third child, I've become more sensitive to what I'm doing right as a parent and what I need to work on. I look at other moms I know, things they're doing that I like and things I don't agree with, and ask myself "Am I doing that?" In the process, I've come to set new standards for myself.

To me, being a good mom is all about what we teach our kids.We've always been big on manners around here, and now we're back to working on them. When my oldest started preschool, we saw a few changes in her that we weren't too thrilled with. She picked up phrases/sayings, and some behaviors that were less than stellar. My husband and I have begun to reinforce simple things, like please and thank you's, but what about the more abstract concepts like greed?

Both of my older kids have taken to wanting everything in sight (except for candy, go figure), and TV commercials have become so dreaded in my house that we record everything just so we can skip the commercials so the kids won't be tempted. But that doesn't always work. So how do we teach kids to value what they have and that while it's ok to want other things, it's not ok to beg for things and it's ridiculous to expect to get everything you want? And for some reason, our oldest has really been struggling with the concept of borrowing.

I know their obsession with acquiring new things has nothing to do with them having less than enough. In fact, I've begun to suspect it's the opposite. While we have used some of the things they wanted as goals, things to work towards, I don't want my family to be so consumer-driven. Life is not about what you can buy. But how do you teach this concept to a 7 year old?

Research has shown that children need to hear the word 'no', and need clear boundaries. Perhaps my family needs new boundaries about when it's appropriate to ask/purchase a new toy, and when it's not. The problem here is that I have no idea what those boundaries should be.

I've debated making them get rid of something before they can get something new. But does that really teach them value? I'm afraid it will decrease the value in things for them and they will come to see everything as being expendable. Another idea is to make them wait six months and see if they still want it then. So far, I haven't seen the downside to that. There are a lot of things they thought were "so cool" six months ago that they haven't mentioned since. Then, there is the idea of them only getting new toys and things on their birthday and Christmas.

The next lesson for the kids has got to be about letting go of all of their extra stuff--all of the toys they don't really play with. Until we get this lesson down, we can't really make headway in the clean-bedroom department.