Toothfairies, and butterflies, and waffles! Oh, my!

What do these three things have in common? I'm sure you guessed it; all three appeared at my house this morning!

My second child lost her first tooth! She came home from school yesterday super excited to show me how loose her tooth had gotten. So, I touched it to see, and out it popped. She hadn't even realized it was gone until I showed it to her. She had it under her pillow for the toothfairy before one in the afternoon. And since my oldest started the tradition, she left a little letter for the toothfairy along with the tooth. The usual excitement over the visit of the toothfairy was present in our house this morning. Which was soon coupled with excitement over butterflies!!!

We found a couple of caterpillars in the garden a few weeks back. We learned the hard way that some caterpillars are cannibalistic. But the girls had fun watching the surviving caterpillar, and have checked on it every day since it entered its cocoon. This morning we were delighted to see the transformation. We greeted our little moth friend before we even had breakfast. I guess my title is a little misleading; yes, it's a moth not a butterfly. But he's so cute, and fluffy, and has beautiful cream colored wings.

An epic morning deserves an epic breakfast. On today's menu: buttermilk buckwheat banana waffles. Haha, say that five times fast! Ok, to be honest, I made buttermilk buckwheat pancakes the other day and had some left over batter that I needed to use up. I also had a huge bunch of bananas that ripened faster than we could eat them. Thus, I mashed up two of them and added it to the batter and made waffles. I'm not sure if the batter had sat too long, or I added too much banana, or what the deal was but the texture was a little off. They were too soft and floppy, not the wonderful, fluffy confection waffles are supposed to be. While they didn't stick to the waffle iron, I struggled to get them out because of how floppy they were. The next time I try banana waffles, I'm going to try it with fresh batter and see if that makes a difference.

It's only 9:30, and already this morning we've had quite a bit of excitement and my baby is down for her first nap. Thus, I'm off to get in a quick workout before getting as much housework done as possible before she wakes up. We're releasing our little moth friend this afternoon, so come back tomorrow for an update.

One thing is for sure, it's never dull in the Light house!

My Journey to Becoming a Domestic Goddess: Stress--Part 2

In my last post, I talked about learning how to deal with stress. But what about "letting go"? To me, it's long been this mysterious, elusive, unattainable concept. It was something I just couldn't understand. I would push my feelings aside, pretending I was fine. I would stuff my feelings down only to have them boil up later, often triggered by something incredibly small. 

I'm still not the best at letting things go. Only recently have I begun to really understand just what that means and maybe how to do it. Just this week I've been struggling with feeling like I was being attacked or not accepted. I get to find a gentle way of addressing the issues with those involved. Ignoring it only makes things worse. But I don't have to hurt. I don't have to continue on feeling unappreciated, or worse, and I'm not pushing it aside. I'm just not letting it mess with my inner peace and happiness. How? By acknowledging the negative feelings and then searching out that peaceful feeling inside myself. I may need to vent a bit before I can successfully let those feelings go. I'm setting limits to that too.

Getting trapped by the victim mentality can happen to the best of us. Continually crying about slights and circumstances is the quickest way to slide into this pit of despair, taking us away from our ultimate goal of peace and happiness. Not saying anything, on the other hand, when someone has done us wrong only causes us to stuff and bottle everything up until we explode all over those closest to us; and usually they had nothing to do with it.

There is a fine line between venting and playing the victim. I was once told to go ahead and throw a "five second pity party", and then pick myself up and move on. Well, sometimes we need more than five seconds. But rarely do we need more than five minutes. So, that's the time limit for venting on the big things. Five minutes, tops. That's not five minutes per person we vent to. That crosses the line into victim. (Maybe a limit needs to be set on the number of people we vent to as well.) No more than five minutes of your time venting about the hurt. Then, it's time to let go of the hurt. If something needs to be said or done about the situation, wait a day or two until the sting has worn off, and come up with a calm plan of action. Once you've completed your plan-- maybe you needed to talk to someone about how they treated you--stop thinking about it. Our time is too valuable, especially in today's hectic world, to spend any more time on negative things.

My time with my family is too important to me to let other people ruin it. I used to let them too, by holding on to whatever had happened and letting it drag my spirits down. I wasn't able to give my family all of myself because my mind and heart were dwelling on those negative events. My family deserves to have me present with them; to have all of me, not just the leftovers. And they don't deserve to see me upset and angry all the time. That only teaches them negativity.

I want my children to learn to be happy, to be content with what they have, and to be strong, independent people. Learning the patterns of negativity doesn't teach them any of these things. I know, I grew up learning this pattern. Only when we rise above the pettiness shown us by other can our children see what it means to be independent and strong. Letting our children see us be happy despite others trying to tears us down is how they'll learn that internal happiness and not be afraid to pursue their dreams. If they see us not giving in to someone's criticisms, they'll learn their dreams really are worth pursuing and mistakes are a natural part of that--not something to be so afraid of that they never take those steps towards achieving those dreams.

These are just a few of the things I wish I had learned as a kid. How much further would I be in my life right now if I had learned these lessons sooner? But, everything happens in our life at just the right time to serve our highest good, and maybe in service to others. Thus, I share my journey with you, and maybe one day my kids will read this blog and gain insight into all I hope to teach them.

My Journey to Becoming a Domestic Goddess: Stress--Part 1

We've all had those times in our life when things seemed out of control. And I'm sure you know that desperate feeling that comes with it. The hectic dash from one thing to another just trying to control the damage since controlling the situation had gone out the window long ago. We all have to develop coping skills for times like these, but it seems those skills come after the crisis is over. And only if we're very lucky do we remember those lessons when the next wave hits weeks, months, and sometimes years later.

I've never been good at dealing with stress. I didn't have a role model to show me healthy coping techniques growing up, leaving me woefully unprepared for the worst of life's challenges. When I went back to school for my degree in behavioral science, my lack of coping skills became so much more apparent than at any other time in my life.

My emergency c-section with my first child I didn't panic. I didn't hardly bat an eyelash when they told me she was breech and "don't sneeze. We're heading to the OR and she needs to stay in until then." I just nodded my head--all of the sudden the last three days made a lot of sense--and away we rolled. Though truth be told, I didn't handle my other mandatory c-sections with quite so much grace.

But going back to school was a very different story. And the worst part was my family suffered the most. All the stress I was under made me snappy, short-tempered, and a yeller. That's one of those things you never want to become, much less admit to it. But that's what I became: a yeller.

This is the first thing I noticed about myself that set me on this path of becoming the best possible version of myself I could be. I saw it happening, and felt powerless to change course. And I watched as my family began to change. My youngest at the time would shrink away from me. My oldest became very bossy of her only-slightly-younger sister. And my husband began to do the same things I was, which didn't help.

I took a leave of absence a year ago now. I was so sick during the first half of my pregnancy with our third child there was no way I was going to be able to keep up my grades and GPA. So, rather than kill myself trying to get the grades, and then beat myself up if I didn't make them, I took a break from it all to focus on me and my family. Best decision I could have made; and I learned a lot from it.

Besides it giving me the time and space I desperately needed to reflect on what I was creating and inspiring and seeing the things I needed to change outwardly, I saw so much within that I deserved to change. Self-care is something we talk a lot about in the social sciences, particularly if you go into a profession like social work or therapy. But I never really understood what to do or how to do it. I would go through some of the motions without it having much effect while in school, and just couldn't seem to "get it". I thought there must be a secret formula, a series of specific steps that everyone had selfishly refused to share. And that whole "letting go" thing was a load of crap.

I used my hobbies as a means to escape. It was a way to give me something else to direct my energies at while my mind kept spinning around the problems that were causing me so much stress. Thus, while I have many tatted pieces to show for all my effort, I wasn't getting any relief from the chaos. There was very little that could get me out of my head. Any respite to be had was always too short to help me feel much better, and I'd go back to being severely stressed in a very short amount of time. Escape isn't the same thing as coping.

Well, I can finally say I'm starting to get it now. No, there really aren't secret steps to take. Letting go isn't the same thing as pushing it aside, or stuffing it down. Escaping only solves the problem for about five seconds before reality comes crashing back in. Coping is about something else altogether. Inner peace. The kind that lasts.

I used to think I should only take 'me' time when two things happened: I was extremely stressed and I had the time to take. Talk about waiting for the stars to align! Trying to wait for the time to take when under a lot of pressure is like waiting for salad shrimp to grow into jumbo shrimp. It's never going to happen! It's a lie we tell ourselves all the time, that this magic moment when we can take a minute for ourselves will show up when we need it and until then we have to just keep plugging along. Not only is it self-destructive and harmful to ourselves, it's detrimental to those around us as well.

Self-care has taken on new meaning to me. Now, it means when I need to take a hot bath to relax my muscles and my mind, I take it--even if it's supposed to be the girls' night for baths. The girls aren't going to get horribly sick by waiting one more day. My husband doesn't hold that half hour against me, and I really do feel better afterward. Not necessarily because I took a bath, but because I did something for me. When it's the end of the day, and I just can't take another minute of the kids screaming, I allow myself a "time out", grab my book and go read outside in the setting sun for as long as I need to. Yes, I'm being a little selfish here. Believe it or not, it's a good thing!

Here's the most important part, the part everyone should learn and apply to their own lives (cause let's be honest, not everyone likes to be outside, not everyone likes to read, and if you're my husband you really hate both so it would be more like torture than self-care). Take the time before you need the time. Don't wait for the starts to align. Don't wait until you're ready to snap. Don't wait until you are past desperate and hanging on to your sanity by a thread. Take the time NOW! Do something small right now! It's ok! Everything will still be here when you get back! Love yourself enough to spend some time just for you so that you can spend the other time in your day focused on the other things you love. Give yourself permission to take care of you!

Since I've learned this incredible lesson, my tolerance for stress has gone down while at the same time gone up. I know, it sounds like the shrimp thing again. But here's the reality. I'm dealing with less stress every day by choice. And that's empowering beyond words. I've set the bar low--at least compared to where it was--and I'm no longer being overwhelmed by something as simple as what to make for dinner. Before, that simple thought could bring me to tears. So, my tolerance for stress has gone down in that what I tolerate before taking 'me' time has gone down, significantly.

But here's the other side of that coin: my life is still chaos. My baby is teething, and not taking it anywhere near as well as my other two did. My husband changed jobs back at the beginning of the year, and while not much has changed with that, we still haven't found just the right groove, yet. Though it feels like we're finally getting there. My second child started school for the first time this week, and adjusting to the new schedule still means setting an alarm so I don't forget to pick her up on time. On top of potentially moving, though hopefully not too far. But even that is still up in the air, which the uncertainty drives me nuts and stresses me out. I could keep going, but I think you get the point. My life hasn't gotten much easier, though the stress triggers have changed a bit. But I'm not being overwhelmed by it now. My overall tolerance, the amount I can deal with when necessary, has gone up! All because I tolerate less.

My Journey to Becoming a Domestic Goddess: Breakfast

I have a confession. I don't eat breakfast. I haven't for so long, I can't eat too early now without getting sick. That also means I never really developed the skills for making breakfast foods beyond a bowl of cereal. I can make a few of the basics, like bacon (great for cheeseburgers) and hard boiled eggs (for the potato salad to go with said burgers). But when it comes to things like pancakes, mine were never very good.

Then I married my husband, and started getting spoiled. When he was a teen, he got a job working in a diner--the kind that makes breakfast all day. He learned how to make all of those diner-breakfast kind of foods, and put those skills to use for me. Breakfast in bed for Mother's day, or sometimes just because he felt like it. He made breakfast for my family when we were visiting on summer vacation. It's something he's good at and loves to do.

But when I started re-evaluating my parenting skills, I became very unsatisfied with the kids eating cold cereal on a frigid winter morning to then be thrust out of the house to trudge to school. I didn't want to ask my hubby to get up early to make them a hot breakfast, and in the middle of last winter he switched jobs and was working weekday mornings all through training; so all of the sudden, there I was, hugely pregnant, waking up much earlier than I had been to get my oldest up and ready for school. The more she ate cold cereal each morning, the more I would think about my wonderful second mom.

My mom teaches parenting classes (along with divorced parents classes, law classes, and divorce classes) and one of the things she tells her students is to find ways to motivate your kids. We all know how hard it is to get kids out of bed in the morning, especially teenagers. So her tip for motivating them is to make breakfast in the morning. The aromas will draw the kids out of their rooms. And they'll likely get a more well rounded breakfast too. This little tip has always stuck with me, even though my oldest is a natural morning person and rarely has a hard time getting up in the morning. I feel it's important to note that I don't mind the cold cereal every once in a while. It's a good reminder to them of just how wonderful it is to get a hot breakfast. Which brings me back to my lack of breakfast cooking skills.

Over the summer, I've been slowly learning the things I need to know about cooking breakfast foods. I've gotten advice from my husband, and online. And I'm starting to get it all down. My eggs still stick to the pan a bit. But my pancakes, those once dreaded pancakes, now turn out a beautiful golden brown on the outside, and tender in the middle.

Now, my middle child is starting kindergarten. In fact, today is her first day! She's not as much of a morning person, though she does wake up in a good mood when I wake her. This morning, I made pancakes--from scratch! I mixed up the ingredients--wet and dry separately last night, mixed them together this morning as the griddle was heating--and had the kind of breakfast I could be proud of. The best part, the kids loved them! And with all that whole grain goodness, I know they're getting the best possible start to their day.

My house is still a wreck. My laundry needs to be folded. And there are always dishes in my sink. But my kids get a hot, nutritious breakfast, and I didn't even have to get up any earlier to make it. I'm not a perfect mom, but maybe someday I will be. It's all in the journey. 

My journey to becoming a Domestic Goddess: What we teach our children

There are some things that a people were born to do. Ever known someone who seemed born to be a salesman? Or maybe you knew a kid who was always drawing buildings and became an architect?

And then there are those who maybe you couldn't pinpoint what they'd become, but you could always sense they'd be amazing at it! And then there are those who just seemed average in every possible way.

That's me.

I'm average in just about everything I do. That's not to say I'm sub-par. When it comes to things I love, like reading, I'm pretty good at them. But I'm no speed-reader. (No matter how much I might pretend otherwise.) And I'm ok with this fact about myself most of the time.

There are a few things that I love enough, however, to spend extra time becoming the best I possibly can be. Like lacemaking. We all know I've got my fingers in at least half a dozen different projects, all in various states of completion, all the time. (Current projects include a crochet-lace tablecloth, a tatted table runner, a knitted vest with a lace section in the middle, a little tatted piece based on someone else's concept that I'm working out the stitches for, a crochet piece to add to my daughter's swimsuit to make it a little less ugly and a lot more modest, and a project that is destined to become a Christmas present. Of course, there may be more. This is just what I can think of off the top of my head.)

But there has always been one thing that I wanted to be the best at--one thing that I love so much I have spent countless hours trying to improve myself.

Being Mom.

Since the birth of my third child, I've become more sensitive to what I'm doing right as a parent and what I need to work on. I look at other moms I know, things they're doing that I like and things I don't agree with, and ask myself "Am I doing that?" In the process, I've come to set new standards for myself.

To me, being a good mom is all about what we teach our kids.We've always been big on manners around here, and now we're back to working on them. When my oldest started preschool, we saw a few changes in her that we weren't too thrilled with. She picked up phrases/sayings, and some behaviors that were less than stellar. My husband and I have begun to reinforce simple things, like please and thank you's, but what about the more abstract concepts like greed?

Both of my older kids have taken to wanting everything in sight (except for candy, go figure), and TV commercials have become so dreaded in my house that we record everything just so we can skip the commercials so the kids won't be tempted. But that doesn't always work. So how do we teach kids to value what they have and that while it's ok to want other things, it's not ok to beg for things and it's ridiculous to expect to get everything you want? And for some reason, our oldest has really been struggling with the concept of borrowing.

I know their obsession with acquiring new things has nothing to do with them having less than enough. In fact, I've begun to suspect it's the opposite. While we have used some of the things they wanted as goals, things to work towards, I don't want my family to be so consumer-driven. Life is not about what you can buy. But how do you teach this concept to a 7 year old?

Research has shown that children need to hear the word 'no', and need clear boundaries. Perhaps my family needs new boundaries about when it's appropriate to ask/purchase a new toy, and when it's not. The problem here is that I have no idea what those boundaries should be.

I've debated making them get rid of something before they can get something new. But does that really teach them value? I'm afraid it will decrease the value in things for them and they will come to see everything as being expendable. Another idea is to make them wait six months and see if they still want it then. So far, I haven't seen the downside to that. There are a lot of things they thought were "so cool" six months ago that they haven't mentioned since. Then, there is the idea of them only getting new toys and things on their birthday and Christmas.

The next lesson for the kids has got to be about letting go of all of their extra stuff--all of the toys they don't really play with. Until we get this lesson down, we can't really make headway in the clean-bedroom department.