Parenting blog posts

I think we have all seen blog posts enough to know there are pretty much two types of bloggers--the "dos" and the "don't". And they all have soap boxes. You know what I mean, the bloggers who are either "do go organic", or the "don't bother, I'm still alive and have never had anything organic ever"; the "do get your child vaccinated", or the "don't because I believe, against all medical evidence, that it causes Autism".

And then there are the parenting blogs.

But these are a little bit different. I can't remember a single blog post telling me what I am doing wrong as a parent. There are plenty of parenting articles on the internet telling me what I should or should not be doing, to be sure. But blog posts, not so much. All of the blogs posts I can think of go something along the lines of "Stop Judging Me For . . ." All of them. Some try to be uplifting in their approach, telling other mothers that whatever level of parenting they're at, they're doing a great job and no one can tell them any differently. Some are more along the lines of "eff you, I'll do what I want and I'm tired of your judgments". But they all have one thing in common--a call to the world to stop judging mothers.

So, here's the thing, the real reason why I'm writing this--all of these blog posts are something along the lines of "I don't judge you. Please don't judge me." And yet, more and more people are writing the exact same thing. We don't yell about the latest celeb giving out parenting advice, even when it seems a little weird to mainstream society (like breastfeeding a preschooler). But we'll yell that we feel judged for not doing it, despite the fact there are very few Americans who breastfeed for that long.

Or how about the whole "crunchy" debate. Most of my friends and I like to be all natural in our approach to life as much as we can reasonably afford. All natural foods with as few additives as possible, all natural laundry detergents and household cleaners, organic foods, etc. But where I differ quite strongly from most of my friends is on the vaccination debate. I'm sure you can guess what camp I defend on my soap box. And sorry, but no matter how much I love the environment, I'm still not switching to cloth diapers. But I don't judge my friends who do. On the diaper debate, I applaud those who have the stomach for cloth. Neither do I judge my friends who choose not to vaccinate their children, though I will hotly argue the Autism thing to the ground!

So, why are there so many "camps" and "teams".

It reminds me of the uber-popular Twilight series and "Team Edward" vs. "Team Jacob" debate. And it's every bit as ridiculous to me! (*Cause Jacob was clearly the better choice until he became just as manipulative as Edward in the third book.) But really, talk about a ridiculous division! We all knew how the story was going to go, at least up until the end of the third book, so why the "teams"?

People have this need to label everything. Especially Americans. We have labels for absolutely everything, and then we seek the quickest and easiest fix--even though it's usually a band-aid fix--so we can get on with our lives. For instance, America has the highest rate of ADHD diagnoses, and subsequently the highest Ritalin and Concerta prescriptions. We also have an alarming antidepressant rate, with no scientific evidence to back up drugs' claims at all. (Other countries have higher rates of therapy.) But I digress.

People are competitive by nature. Competition is what drives evolution and kept the human race going through three near-extinction episodes. So when we all gather round for one reason or another, and we open our mouths about almost anything, it's easy to see how and why it quickly becomes a competition. We don't mean to do this. And we certainly don't mean to make our friends feel like we're judging them. But for as instinctual as the competition is, it's also instinctual to feel judged. It's the other half of the competition dichotomy.

So now we have labels to wear like badges of honor as we compete for Mommy of the Year.

Except . . .

Most of us don't want them. We don't want the labels. We don't want to compete. And we certainly don't want to feel judged. We just want someone to take our hand for a moment and say, "I understand. It'll be ok. You're doing a great job." And some bloggers write blog posts to that extent. Some use blogs as a stage to pitch their "screw you" soap boxes. But to be honest, I'm a little tired of it all. It's all been said and done before.

Honestly, the chances of anyone making it through this life never experiencing judgment--perceived or real--are simply non-existent. We all feel judged by people. Sometimes daily. And that's never going to change. The only thing we can do is change how we deal with it. And guess what, we're never going to be perfect at that, either. Frankly, we perceive judgment a lot more than we're actually being judged and we react. But we can choose to let go of the assumed judgement and change our reactions.

Better yet, here's a radical idea! Let's assume no judgment! Let's assume nobody really gives a rat's behind if we nurse or use formula. Or if we recycle or not. Because most people really aren't going to give you another thought once the moment has passed. Educate yourself with sound science before making decisions as potentially impactful as vaccinations and pharmaceuticals. And then be secure in your choices, knowing you made the decision that was best for you based on the information you had at the time.When you honestly feel you made the best decision for you and your family, other people's opinions don't matter much anyway.

I propose you make new friends! If you're feeling so judged that you have to write a blog post about it, it's time to make new friends! If you're feeling overwhelmed at what a crappy job your doing raising your kids with non-biodegradable diapers, it's time to get new friends. If you feel judged because your kid is behind in school--well, welcome to the club. Find a few friends, throw yourself a 5 second pity party, and then get out of your own head for a while. Go do something else besides reading blog posts about parenting style pros and cons. Start a support group, or a mom's only play date and make new friends!

And then ditch the friends who do judge you!!! First, talk to your friends who make you feel like they're judging you, and explain how they make you feel and how they do it. Ask them for their side of things and some possible solutions before you write them off. But if you still feel judged after multiple attempts, then it's time to move on. There have been several people that I no longer associate with for this very reason. There are also people that I just may not talk to as often, or we avoid certain topics, so we can maintain a healthy friendship. And that's ok!
 
We all need to feel loved and supported. And it needs to start from within. Become your own best friend. We need to build our self-confidence up a bit so that when judgment does come along, it doesn't matter. (And then teach our children how to do the same!) What some random stranger on the internet thinks of me is in no way going to change who I am or how I live my life. To be honest, very few friends even have that much influence over me. Why? Because I know I'm doing the best I can. I choose to acknowledge I'm not perfect, and I don't expect anyone else to be either. I seek help from people I trust when I need it. And I'm always seeking to improve myself and the knowledge that I base decisions on. At the end of the day, who can ask more than that? Absolutely no one. And no one can judge me for it, either.

So can we all stop assuming just because someone has a difference of opinion that they must be judging us as a result? And when someone seeks to expand our knowledge, can everyone please start assuming it comes from a place of love and concern, rather than a "holier than thou" attitude and a place of judgment?

. . . Please?




*This was my attempt at a little humor, though it's still completely true. And no matter how much people deny it now, they used to love the series. So don't judge me for admitting to it! ;-)