The things we learn

I feel like maybe I should apologize for this blog becoming another generic, SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) blog. Lately, the things that have been on my mind are all of the same as many of the other SAHM bloggers, from wanting to be a better mom and spouse, to desperately trying to find a little "me" time in all the crazy running around we have to do. But I can't seem to help myself.

One of my goals is to write a book. I have several ideas kicking around in my head. To support myself in this, I made a little goal to write a blog post every day to get myself in the habit of writing even just a little bit every day. While I haven't written a word in any of the stories so far, I am finding that something seems to be missing from my day if I haven't managed to get a blog post up. That's progress, right?

However, that means I haven't had much time lately for tatting/knitting/crocheting/etc. We've been so busy around here running from point A to point B that we're not even going to be able to make it to the amusement park this year, despite having already purchased the tickets. Luckily, we were able to sell the tickets, so we're not out all that money. But now I have to break it to the girls. So, please forgive me for the lack of anything exciting or even remotely like what you may have been expecting. One of these days I'll manage to get back to lace.

I've been thinking a lot this morning about life's journey and wasted time. My uncle commented the other day about how much time he felt he wasted in his youth. He had learned so much about life since then, but still pauses every now and then when little reminders pop up that he could have led a much different life.

Coincidentally, my husband and I had a very similar conversation last week. For my husband and I, this is our second go-around. My husband was lamenting his first marriage, but I couldn't bring myself to do the same. (Full disclosure, I didn't marry my ex, but even research supports that a break up of our magnitude impacts us the same as a divorce.)

See, here's the thing. My uncle, my husband, and I all learned very important life lessons. I can not stress enough just how important these life lessons are! They are a little bit different for each of us, but at the same time, they're incredibly similar. (And I hope my uncle will forgive the liberty of assumption I'm about to take here. I base these assumptions on comments he's made, but I'm taking it just a step further than what he's actually said.) The details of each of our lessons are different, but we each learned about self-worth and happiness. We learned that we deserve to be loved by the person we love. We learned that we deserve to be treated right and respected for who we are, not what we are. That we are more than our prescribed gender role or labels!

Yes, I still look back at the time I 'wasted' and almost wish I could undo all of the stupid decisions I made. And yes, they were very stupid. But I learned so much about myself, what I'm really worth, and what just isn't worth it. I've learned to embrace my self-worth and wear it as a badge of honor. I'm not vain or ostentatious for doing so. I'm still fairly humble in my thoughts and attitude, and the way I approach life, though a little more outspoken than I used to be. I don't want a huge house, super fancy car, or hideous clothes all because they came from some designer label. But being humble doesn't mean suffering in silence.

I deserve to have a say in my life. I deserve to have my voice heard, just like everyone else. I can't quite bring myself to regret that time i had with my ex because I'm so much stronger BECAUSE of that time and the pain I went through, not in spite of it. I am the person I am today because of those experiences. Up until that point of realization that I really am worth more than I had been settling for, I had been told I was worthy and deserving, but I didn't know it. I didn't believe it. But I know it now, and I'm so grateful for this knowledge. Just knowing this has opened up so many doors for me, and has led me to my wonderful husband. It has allowed me to challenge myself to become even better, to pursue things I was previously holding myself back from pursuing. I know who I am now, far better than I can picture knowing myself through any other means.

So you see, in the end the pain was a blessing. It was a trial by fire, certainly. But that fire is something I can be grateful for. That fire, when on the outside, burned and hurt. But now, I have that fire within and rather than allowing it to hurt me or those around me, I use it for good--to better myself and my family. I use that fire to drive me along my journey called life.